Hey, Spider-Friends, New Amazing Spider-Man Trailer Is Out And, Well, Amazing.

Ok, I’m behind on my comic book reading for the week and in a fit of desperate jealousy right now because Rob is at a showing of The Avengers at the moment and I am not. Stupid “having to go to my day job” thing. Boo! However, here’s a little something to cheer us all up: a new trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man! It’s got a bit deeper insight into Dr. Curt Connors, aka The Lizard, in relation to the events of the film. We see more of him, both in pasty pale scientist and green scaly goon forms. Also, more shots of the new web shooters in action. Cool! I have to admit that I didn’t see the point of rebooting the franchise, particularly so soon. But, this trailer does get me more interested in seeing the new film. Good job, marketing department!

The Amazing Spider-Man opens in US theaters on July 3, 2012.

Fair And Balanced, Or: Wolverine Vs. Everybody: Avengers Vs. X-Men #3 Review

The biggest problem with the first two issues of Avengers Vs. X-Men was, to me, that in order for it to make any sense, the writers needed to make Cyclops into a monomaniacal zealot, vis a vis Hope-as-mutant-savior, so focused, rigid and intractable that he made Timothy McVeigh look like Winston Churchill with a quualude habit.

It is now the third issue, and it appears that the Marvel Architects in charge of this story have found a way to temper our perceptions of Cyclops’s fanatical tendencies: by making Captain America a focused, rigid and intractable monomaniacal zealot.

In short, Avengers Vs. X-Men #3 displays the first real and disappointing cracks in what has been a tight, if sometimes logic-stretching little tale (if you can call an event comic destined to cover all Marvel titles for the next four months “little”): and that is that it attempts to mask Cyclops’s believability-stretching reactionary behavior with similar, yet opposite,  behavior by Cap. And instead of balancing the scales, it shows the Man Behind The Curtain by making two characters do stupid and unbelievable things in the interest of advancing the plot.

With that plot apparently being to make it so Wolverine can fight anybody. Because that shit sells some comics, yo. But we’ll get there in a minute,

Comic Book Dead: Secret Avengers # 26 Review

Editor’s Note: The Review Force is a cosmic entity capable of causing a planet-wide Spoiler event. 

Usually, when a more minor, lower circulation comic becomes part of a major summer crossover event, it is a book to avoid. Almost invariably books like that are where publishers stick filler while hoping that the crossover’s logo on the cover increases circulation enough to justify the printing costs and stave off cancellation for a couple of months. Everyone knows that an event’s important stuff occurs in the primary title and the related major titles, while the second tier books are where you get “major” revelations running the gamut from, “Some minor character is terrified of the ramifications of this major event!” to “Wow! It turns out I, the reader, don’t give a fuck about any of this shit!”

So imagine my surprise when Secret Avengers # 26, which is precisely the kind of book where you’d stick Captain Cannonfodder and his fear of Phoenix but need to (fatally) redeem some misdeed made in a 1974 issue of The Brave and The Give Us Your Quarter Kid, wound up not only being the scene of one of the more major (yet least hoopla’ed) comic book resurrections of the past several years, but of a reasonable examination of why a Captain Cannonfodder-level character is as minor a player as he is. All with some damned interesting and unconventional art to boot.

First off, despite what I just said, make no mistake: this is, in fact, the first totally unnecessary side story in the Avengers Vs. X-Men event. There is, after all, a reason the crossover is called Avengers Vs. X-Men, and if you are a superhero and you find yourself on an Avengers team, in outer space to stop the Phoenix Force, with no X-Men anywhere in sight? Welcome to the B-plot, pal. Look to your left, and look to your right. One of you is going to die. The other is probably Squirrel Girl.

Brain Bleach – Wolverine Gets Mercury Poisoning Edition

Hey, remember that time when Wolverine and Freddie Mercury teamed up to fight crime? Yeah, I don’t either. However, Crisis On Infinite Midlives own Lance Manion has passed along this wacky comic pitch that has recently gotten renewed play on both IO9 and Rolling Stone. While it didn’t get the unnamed artist a job with Marvel, it did get the attention of bullpen member, Steve Bunche, as he noted on his own blog:

During my years in the Mighty Marvel Bullpen (February 1990-October 1998), one of my favorite pastimes was collecting the frequently wacky and often downright insane letters and submissions sent in by Marvel’s readers and eager hopefuls who aspired to join the ranks of Chris Claremont and Frank Miller as comic book storytellers…Seriously, how the fuck does someone even make the leap in narrative logic from depicting Wolverine stalking through the forest to having him run into Freddie Mercury of Queen for no apparent reason? That, dear readers, is a sign of true creativity.

Indeed. I would like a kilo of whatever that kid was smoking to come up with that idea…and a crate of whiskey. Stat.

Meanwhile, for your viewing pleasure, here are the Muppets with their cover of Bohemian Rhapsody. Enjoy what remains of your weekend!

This Is About Fights: Versus #1 Review

Versus #1 takes the Avengers Vs. X-Men event, strips out the backstory, the plot contrivances and the other useless crap that is being pounded into this event to make it hang together as a story, and it leaves us with the core idea which is all that almost anyone gives a tin shit about in this event: superheroes kicking the shit out of each other.

Let me offer an analogy: let’s say that Avengers Vs. X-Men is a Grateful Dead show. If that’s the case, then Versus is the smelly guy in the parking lot selling hits of acid for five bucks a whack: in other words, it’s far more entertaining, and if you’re honest with yourself, it’s the real reason you decided to attend the main event in the first place.

This book is fucking fun. It is meant to be fun, and it knows that it’s fun; any comic that opens on its recap page (and interesting choice for a first issue) with…

This book is about AWESOME BRAWLING! You want PLOT? LOOK ELSEWHERE, CHUM. You want a KNOCK-DOWN, DRAG-OUT WHUPPIN’? WE GOT YOU COVERED.

…is a book whose only ambitions vis a vis obtaining an Eisner Award to to snatch one out of Joe Sacco’s hands and use it to beat Grant Morrisson about the head, neck and face.

Bald Hulk Is Not A Euphemism: The Incredible Hulk #7 Review

Editor’s Note: Time for one last review before the comic stores open… one chock full of profanity and spoilers. You are warned.

A couple of months ago, the Fox Movie Channel reran the 1990 TV movie The Death Of The Incredible Hulk, which I grabbed on the TiVo because I was a child in the 1970s / 1980s and therefore grew up with the Bill Bixby / Lou Ferrigno television show and have a sense of nostalgia for it. Plus, I possibly hate myself.

Anyway, at the end of the flick, the Hulk suffers some kind of great fall (and yes, that is as specific as I can get. What, you think I watched that pile of shit sober?) and caused the death of Bixby’s Banner. The intention was never to actually kill Banner / Hulk, but instead to set up a future TV movie where the Hulk had Banner’s brain, which was derailled due to Lou Ferrigno’s commitments to sign autographs at regional comic book conventions for nickels, and due to Bill Bixby’s unexpected opportunity to perform in a second banana role to a prostate tumor.

What’s my point? My point is that even ratings-crazy and cocaine “enthusiast” 80s TV executives never intended to kill Banner permanently. And I guarantee you, neither does The Incredible Hulk #7 writer Jason Aaron.

Norbert Ebersol’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day – Review Of Thunderbolts #173

I have this theory that if I, now firmly knocking on the door of my 40s, met myself anytime before I turned at least 30…I would hate myself. Not the “damn, I shouldn’t have gone back and messed with the past” kind of hate myself, but the “wow, I can’t believe I was ever like that. How did people ever stand to be around me?” hate myself. I call the period right after I got out of college the “terrible 22s”; I had big plans and no experience, but that’s ok, because I was convinced I knew everything. I’m convinced my mom started to charge me rent when I moved home after college less because she needed the money and more because she was trying to get me to move out. I don’t blame her.

What does this have to do with Thunderbolts #173, written by Jeff Parker with art from Declan Shalvey? Well, the Thunderbolts team has been bouncing around through time for the past several issues. As they get closer and closer to the present, it was inevitable that they’d run into a younger version of themselves eventually. I mean, they’re a super team comprised of super villains; they get around.

So, what do you do when you are a narcissistic megalomaniac and you’ve run into a much younger you? And, enough about me, what do the Thunderbolts do?

Failed dreams, shattered ambitions and spoilers, after the jump.

An Asskicking By Any Other Name: Avengers Vs. X-Men #2 Review

Avengers Vs. X-Men #2 is a big old action movie of a comic book, where the first punch gets thrown by the second page and the hits keep on coming until we’re reminded by the last page that all this hot, sweet superhero-on-superhero action (wait, I think that came out wrong) is in service of a plot related to the Phoenix Force coming to destroy the world before the Avengers movie even has a chance to come out.

This book is filled with satisfying, balls-to-the-wall action… but it is also filled with overblown, florid and somewhat pretentious captions that read like a sixteen-year-old either trying to use his comics addiction for an easy C in Intro to Poetry, or to charm the Drama Club skank into turning a backrub into a front rub. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

If you’re looking for any kind of story advancement in this issue, you’re not gonna find much. The issue opens with the X-Men and The Avengers beating the unholy shit out of each other, and pretty much ends the same, with only the minor plot points of, “Yup, Phoenix Force… still coming,” and “Yeah, Hope… still getting jacked up on the Phoenix Force,” being advanced. If this was a modern Grandmasters’ chess game, this issue would be the equivalent of Bobby Fischer darkly muttering about Jews while some scabrous geek flips on the opposing IBM supercomputer.

Graffiti Artists, Assemble! – Live Stream Of Graffiti Event To Promote Avengers Movie

There’s a live art event to promote the Avengers movie going on in London right now. From the event’s Web site:

Don’t miss your chance to decide how graffiti artists create never-before-seen Avengers Assemble art in this exclusive global event. Vote via Twitter to determine which character assembles next – while graffiti superstar Alex Young from Addict brings the Avengers to life, live from London’s Old Street. Two characters will come to life every day from Wednesday April 18 – 21, streamed live from this channel.

CURRENT STATE OF PLAY
Already assembled: LOKI, THOR, IRON MAN, CAPTAIN AMERICA
In progress: THE HULK
Current leaderboard: #VOTEBLACKWIDOW – 73% | #VOTENICKFURY – 27%

HOW TO VOTE
To vote, simply tweet #ASSEMBLELIVE plus your favourite character #VOTEBLACKWIDOW, #VOTECAPTAINAMERICA, #VOTENICKFURY or #VOTETHEHULK. Follow on Twitter @assemblelive.

Check out the piece in progress, via livestream.com in real time, below:

The Second Best There Is: Scarlet Spider #4 Review

Okay, I finally get it. Scarlet Spider is for people who want to buy both Spider-Man and Wolverine, but only have three bucks a month to throw around.

Make no mistake: this isn’t me screeching that Scarlet Spider is a bad comic book, because it isn’t; it is reasonably well-executed with a decent story, plot, characters, and pretty good art. But in its DNA, this is a book for the rare and nihilistic comics reader who says – presumably while listening to “classic” Limp Bizkit – “You know what would really make Spider-Man an ageless comic book hero? If someone would just write him as a stab-crazed, nearly-remorseless dickhead.”

This issue finds out protagonist being attacked by a bunch of ninjas out for revenge over the fact that, in his past as a lone, non-affiliated killer, he refused to pay allegiance to their clan. The ninjas have a bunch of superpowers, the fight goes public, the hero fights dirty, stuff explodes, dudes get kicked, and a lot of people get maimed in a visceral yet entertaining manner. All of which makes for an exciting comic book, but it makes an exciting Wolverine comic book. All of this feels a little weird when it’s happening with a guy in a Spider-Man suit.