Obviously sensing a groundswell of excitement behind the approaching Joss Whedon Avengers flick, Disney has apparently decided to strike while the iron is hot – or at least strike before someone at Ain’t It Cool News can file an advance Avengers review from a projectionists’ screening saying, “Hi, Harry – R3ct@l Pr0l@p53 here, reporting that Chris Evans suxxors ballz!” – and has announced that the sequel to the Captain America movie will hit theaters on April 4, 2014.
EDITOR’S NOTE: And one last very quick review before the comic store open… and one that contains spoilers to boot. You are warned.
Okay, let’s start with the fact that The Falcon isn’t an active member of The Avengers. Not active, not honorary, not a Secret Avenger, not a West Coast Avengers… nope, not an Avenger. Which means that there is no reason for Cable to think that he would make an appearance in battle with The Avengers. Which means that the first step of his “master plan” against The Avengers is based purely on wishful thinking and the needs of Jeph Loeb’s plot.
But let’s assume that Falcon was a member of the Avengers, and that Cable’s plan therefore makes some sense on it’s face. Cable takes Falcon out with a sniper rifle during a battle that includes not only Falcon, but Captain America, Iron Man, the Red Hulk, Spider-Man and Wolverine, but which proves that Cable’s master, time-spanning plan was based on every science fiction movie ever made.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers, such as the fact that Venom rides Captain America’s motorcycle. Which you learned from the cover to your left. Damn covers have no regard for spoiler alerts. However, consider yourself warned.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: a guy walks into a Marvel comic, and he gets confronted by Captain America. Cap tells the guy that he’s out of control and he needs to be brought in, so the guy tells Cap that he’s always respected him and that Cap’s been a big influence on him, and then he punches Cap in the temple, steals some of his shit and gets away clean! Ha! Get it?
Oh, you’ve heard that one? Of course you have. It’s been a staple of Marvel Comics at least since Daredevil: Born Again. So much so that Mark Millar and Matt Fraction hooked it for The Punisher during and just after Civil War. And then Mark Waid took it for Daredevil #2 just three or four months ago. Hell, Daniel Way used it in Deadpool this fucking week. And now Rick Remender’s dusted it off for Venom #10. And considering all these characters wind up kicking Captain America’s ass when he shows up, it’s reaching the point where I’m beginning to think that Captain America’s Kryptonite is simple respect; if Baron Zemo had offered to shake Cap’s hand before shooting off that rocket, this book would take place in the Wunder Universum and everyone would be eating schnitzel right now.
This time around, Cap shows up to shut down the government program that hooked Flash Thompson up with the Venom symbiote. Unfortunately, Cap’s timing leaves a little to be desired, since Thompson is being blackmailed to do crimes as Venom by Jack O’Lantern and Crime-Master – because nothing proves you’re a master criminal like telling everyone you’re a master criminal. Ask Keyser Soze. But I digress.
EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s Wednesday, so let’s slip one more review in before the comic stores open with this week’s books. And this review contains spoilers. But it’s no big deal, because the spoilers in this review have already been spoiled. And sacked. Oh wait, I’m American – I meant teabagged. Whatever. Anyway…
Life Model Decoys are android body doubles that are sold to S.H.I.E.L.D. by Stark Enterprises. Which is owned by Tony Stark. Who is Iron Man. And would presumably recognize one of his products. Particularly when wearing his Iron Man armor, which is all sensory and shit.
So when expert spymaster Nick Fury decided to hide the fact that Bucky Barnes was not actually killed in Fear Itself #3 but instead was apparently just resting, he chose to replace him with a Life Model Decoy. And make Tony Stark, while wearing the aforementioned sensory-and-shit Iron Man armor, the first person to whom he showed said decoy in service of this fraud.
With logic like that at hand, it’s a shame that Fear Itself #7.1 writer Ed Brubaker isn’t writing issue 7.2, so we could see Fury trying to convince Thor that Mjolnir is a buttplug.
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