It’s All In The Reflexes – Review Of Wolverine #18

There was a time when a man could be kingpin of the Chinese criminal underground in San Francisco in relative quiet and safe anonymity. Just be left to while the days away, occasionally kicking some uppity newbie Triad ass, collecting whatever protection money you had coming to you. Leave the city for weeks, months at a time on Avengers or X-Men business and come back, pick up where you left off.

Wait, what?

Yeah, Wolverine has lots of secrets.

Spoilers, a large sweaty man in a diaper and dragon chow after the jump.

That Yellow Bastard – Why Occupy Wall Street Is Pikachu’s Fault

Frank Miller really shouldn’t be getting his panties in so much of a bunch about what he thinks Occupy Wall Street is all about anyway. If he’d just check out Bleeding Cool, he’d find out that Occupy Wall Street isn’t a bunch of dirty hippies trying to engage in anarchy and promote terrorism. He’d find out that their agenda is far more sinister.

You see, it’s all about Pokémon.

Hide the women and children. Battle monsters are coming and it’s all President Obama’s fault. You have been warned. Frank Miller, I know you’ve already tried to once but – do you dare to write about the real yellow bastard?

Myopia, or: Frank Miller Serves The Assbug

Hey, didja know Frank Miller has a blog? Me neither! I bet it’s just chock full of little tidbits about Frank’s creative process, how he works, what he’s working on next, and a million other juicy insights that would excite the comics enthusiast! Let’s tune in, shall we?

The “Occupy” movement, whether displaying itself on Wall Street or in the streets of Oakland (which has, with unspeakable cowardice, embraced it) is anything but an exercise of our blessed First Amendment.

Wow! I feel like I have an insider’s view into… Wait, what?

This is no popular uprising. This is garbage. And goodness knows they’re spewing their garbage – both politically and physically – every which way they can find.

Oh, Frank. Who hurt you? Grab a glass, pour a drink, and tell your Uncle Rob –

Maybe, between bouts of self-pity and all the other tasty tidbits of narcissism you’ve been served up in your sheltered, comfy little worlds, you’ve heard terms like al-Qaeda and Islamicism.

Oooookay…

You Too Will Believe A Flightless Water Fowl Can Fly, Maybe – Review of Penguin: Pain And Prejudice #1-2

Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin, made his comic book debut in Detective Comics #58 in 1941. Like Batman, he too was conceived by Bob Kane, but his origins have varied over the decades to suit the needs of the writers. In this most recent incarnation, as is being detailed in Penguin: Pain And Prejudice, written by Gregg Hurwitz with art by Szymon Kudranski, The Penguin’s back story seems to be along the lines of being from a well-off family, but rejected by his father, brothers and school mates for his short stature, beak-like nose and generally milquetoast personality. Indeed, the only person in the world who loves him unconditionally is his mother. He returns her love with a burning affection that would make Oedipus blush.

Well, a boy needs something hold onto in the crazy world of ours, right?

Nah.

It’s just kind of icky and sad.

But does any of this have to do with Ozzie’s rise to the top of the Gotham crime scene beyond making us feel vaguely uncomfortable as we read it?

Spoilers after the jump!

Recidivism: New Avengers #18 Review

Albert Einstein supposedly said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Norman Osborn is insane. Brian Michael Bendis might be too.

Let’s start with the most important thing to keep in mind when reading this review: I didn’t particularly like Marvel’s 2008 – 2009 Dark Reign crossover event all that much. The foundation behind it – that Norman Osborn was made head of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Renamed H.A.M.M.E.R. to sound all badassed during the event) – meant that reading a Marvel comic during that time required a suspension of disbelief that would make Hercules say, “Ah, fuck it.”

Yes, I know Osborn killed that invading Skrull Queen in Secret Invasion. He also killed Gwen Stacy. In cold blood. In the middle of New York City. On camera. Making Osborn the Top Cop was roughly akin to setting Bernie Madoff up as Secretary of the Treasury, or hiring Ted Bundy as the Headmaster of The Finishing School for Aspiring Victoria’s Secret Models.

The biggest thing Osborn did during Dark Reign was create his own “official” version of The Avengers, packed with supervillains dressed as their superhero counterparts. With Daken as Wolverine, Venom as Spider-Man, Bullseye as Hawkeye, et cetera, et cetera. Which is a brilliant and interesting concept… for say, a two or three issue story arc. As a fiendish plot by some master criminal to fool street cops. “I know… while we are robbing the New York Bank of New York, we will dress in the costumes of our enemies! That will make the police mistrust and harass The Avengers, and we will have our revenge! Mwu-hah-hah-ha!”

Instead, the Dark Avengers went on for almost a year and a half, all based on a concept that also only worked if you never stopped and thought about it for even a second: “Hi, Mr. President? Meet Bullseye. Hired assassin. Done years and years in prison. Once had a brain tumor back that made him hallucinate and kill strangers. Also killed Karen Page in cold blood. In a church. And there’s garage surveillance footage of him stabbing Elektra to death floating around on the Internet. Can we get this man a badge and a security clearance? And while you’re working on that, I’d like you to meet Venom…”

I Was A Teen Vampire, er, Vampyre – Review Of House Of Night #1

Stephanie Meyers inflicted Twilight on the world in 2005 and reminded the everyone that light pop horror sells big with teen girls and soccer mommies. Many authors took advantage of this and the market has been pretty well flooded with many books by hopefuls looking for a piece of the emo-oriented action. The House Of Night series, written by mother-daughter team P.C. and Kristin Cast and first released in 2007, is one of these.

I didn’t know this, when I picked up House Of Night #1, written by the series creators and adapted by screenwriter Kent Dalian. All I knew was that Dark Horse was putting out another vampire book and it was just a dollar. I read the whole thing from cover to cover thinking, “Wow, I feel like this story, this story that is the first issue of what is going to be an on-going series, seems to be dropping me in the middle of events that I should already know about and feels like a pitch to the CW that got turned down because The Vampire Diaries was going to be similar and cheaper to make.” And then I read the inside of the front cover and discovered that:

This series takes place between scenes from Betrayed, the second novel in the House Of Night series.

Oh.

Spoilers that may or may not include the trials and tribulations associated with being a teenage vampire vampyre after the jump.

Tomorrow, Same Bat Time…

Due to circumstances beyond our control (Damn you, party liquor!), our content is obviously a little light today, and for that we apologize.

We hope to get right back into the swing of things tomorrow morning, with a fresh pair of eyes, a renewed sense of purpose, and an ability to stray more than 17 feet from a toilet, trash barrel or neighbor kid.

(Seriously, though: Amanda’s review of House of Night, the Dark Horse Comics adaptation of the P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast series of novels for people who love Twilight but can’t afford hardcover books, will be up first thing in the morning.)

In the meantime, by way of apology, please accept our humble offering of the 1966 Batman television show animated opening credits. If that show were directed by Christopher Nolan. You can find it right after the jump,

We Didn’t Start The Fire

It is Wednesday, and since the Arkham City video game has made many of us… shall we say, sensitive to the idea of Harley Quinn in a bustier, that means that this…

…particularly a new Suicide Squad, means the end of our broadcast day.

But let’s talk about a decent take, shall we? We’ve got a new Black Panther, a new Ultimate Spider-Man, and a new Star Trek Vs. the Legion of Super Heroes (Or as we like to call it here at the Crisis on Infinite Midlives Home Office: Two Saturn Girls, One Spock)!

But we’ve gotta read them before we can write about them, and before that we have all this beer we need to turn into hangovers!

So: see you tomorrow, suckers!

Muppet Vindaloo – No, Wait, There’s *Another* Muppet Movie Trailer

Ok, ok. I know that just two weeks ago I posted about what was supposed to be the final trailer for The Muppets before the movie is released a mere two weeks from today on November 23. However according to Bleeding Cool, in the UK the movie won’t be released until sometime next February – so they got an exclusive trailer in UK theaters (which is now on YouTube as of this past Nov. 7 – exclusive is relative in the age of the Internet, I guess).

Do-Over: Fear Itself #7.1: Captain America Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s Wednesday, so let’s slip one more review in before the comic stores open with this week’s books. And this review contains spoilers. But it’s no big deal, because the spoilers in this review have already been spoiled. And sacked. Oh wait, I’m American – I meant teabagged. Whatever. Anyway…

Life Model Decoys are android body doubles that are sold to S.H.I.E.L.D. by Stark Enterprises. Which is owned by Tony Stark. Who is Iron Man. And would presumably recognize one of his products. Particularly when wearing his Iron Man armor, which is all sensory and shit.

So when expert spymaster Nick Fury decided to hide the fact that Bucky Barnes was not actually killed in Fear Itself #3 but instead was apparently just resting, he chose to replace him with a Life Model Decoy. And make Tony Stark, while wearing the aforementioned sensory-and-shit Iron Man armor, the first person to whom he showed said decoy in service of this fraud.

With logic like that at hand, it’s a shame that Fear Itself #7.1 writer Ed Brubaker isn’t writing issue 7.2, so we could see Fury trying to convince Thor that Mjolnir is a buttplug.