We Are Experiencing…

…technical difficuties. The Crisis On Infinite Midlives Home Office is currently without Internet. Or cable. Or hope.

Well, that’s not entirely true. We are hoping to have things up and running by tomorrow afternoon sometime, but for now, we have to deal with… this.

Anyway, sorry for the lack of content today. We will be back in with both feet tomorrow. You know, assuming we can find whatever loose wire if kicking around…

What Have We Learned Today?

What have we learned today? Well, other than skanks at the tequila bar seem to think that paying with a Groupon is acceptable (hint – if you’re vomiting mezcal, your liver already owns it. Just take the ’86.), not a lot…other than Rob has drunkenly read Age Of Ultron and now thinks he knows what its happening. I have not, but I hear *FUCKING SPOILER* that Spawn‘s Angela is in it and have offered my HBO animated episodes of same if he needs to catch up.

Editor’s note: Hi. This is Rob. Angela is not in Age of Ultron #3. My guess is that the Cuervo Gold is causing Amanda to see a halo effect. This is normal. I hope. Back to Amanda.

“In it”…eventually…in issue #10…Editor’s note: Jeez, Rob. It’s like I only showed you the first paragraph of this article…oh, wait…. And I like my tequila to come approved by members of The Sopranos. But, branding aside, we also have many other issues of interest to work through such as Brian Michael Bendis’s talking head panel oriented/supposed occasionally dropping action fest Powers Bureau issue 3, Batman Incorporated 9…’cuz, well, more officially dead Damian, Bendis’s Guardians Of the Galaxy issue 1…which opens with talking heads…not necessarily in space, possibly with eventual action, and Mark Waid’s all new Green Hornet #1.

In “guys who still need more attention news”, Joe Keatinge is still writing Morbius #3 and James Asmus is still on Gambit #10. We here, recovering from the tequila bar, still need to read all these…

…which means that this…

…is the end of our broadcast day.

Check back here for all things “what the fuck is Hickman doing this week?” and “I still love you Bendis, but seriously, no one really cares about Thanos.”; and, in theory, other things I have not already predetermined before I have read them.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with tequila destiny. I’m going to read these books, and you will hear from me when the hangover breaks.

Meet The New Boss

Remember when John Constantine was a charming and talented bullshit artist? A dude with a cigarette and a reputation and a line of malarkey a mile wide and a yard deep, who walked into trouble and talked his way out of it? The guy who made a deal with all three demons of Hell’s Triumvirate and walked away from damnation with no more power than a savvy negotiating sense, a middle finger and a hearty “Up yours”?

Yeah, that was the Vertigo John Constantine. These days, what we have is the DC Universe John Constantine. You know, the one who shoots force bolts that look like he’s using magic to force people to contemplate the logo of Rush’s 2112, and who looks like the closest he’s come to a punk band came from watching that Very Special Episode of Quincy.

All of which is a long way to go to announce that Hellblazer has ended, Constantine is here, and this…

…means the end of our broadcast day.

And while we have cautious hopes for Constantine (hopes that that action-packed cover ain’t bearing out), even if it goes sideways, there is some other cool-looking stuff this week. We’ve got the first issue of David Lapham’s X-Termination, a new Brian K. Vaughn Saga, the latest Dan Slott The Superior Spider-Man, Brian Michael Bendis’s All-New X-Men, and a bunch of other stuff!

But you know the drill: before we can review any of them, we need to infuse some Nergal into our blood (and by “Nergal,” we personally mean “bourbon”), and take the time to read them. So while we do that…

…see you tomorrow, suckers!

Robinus Resurrexit!

So as of yesterday, Tuesday, March 12th, in this year of our Argentinian Pope who is old enough to have met (if not harbored) escaped Nazis after World War II, there were two widely-known facts that were the uncontested word of God when it comes to comics:

• Damian Wayne – Robin – has been dead for two weeks, and:
• Wolverine is the above-the-fold star of at least two different monthly comic books, which is one more than almost any character who isn’t The Punisher in 1987 could support (and given that The Punisher spent one of those books horking a jet ski, turns out he couldn’t support them either).

These facts would normally mean that these two characters shouldn’t appear in any more comic books than they already have. But it is a special day; the Vatican displayed an eruption of smoke from the Sistine Chapel, meaning that they either selected a new Pope or hotboxed the place, so miracles are abound! Miracles such as Robin being referenced on the covers of three different comic books despite the mild adversity of being deader than shit, and Wolverine having two new books to headline!

Truly, it is an age of infallibility! Or perhaps incontinence; one can never tell when the elderly blaze dirtweed under the auspices of diplomatic immunity. But either way, it means that this…

…means the end of out broadcast day.

But despite the weird incongruity of seeing people in books that sanity indicates maybe should not be so, there’s some good stuff in the till this week. We’ve got a new issue of The Walking Dead (where we meet Ezekiel, another elected spiritual leader overseeing a flock thanks to his quiet dignity of office. And a tiger.), the second issue of Marvel’s Age of Ultron event, the third issue of Brian Wood’s Star Wars, a Christopher Yost Avenging Spider-Man, and a bunch of other cool stuff!

But you know the drill: before we can review them, we need time to read them. Well, we also need time to try and resist to make filthy genital jokes about “worshipping the Holy See,” but mostly to read them. So while that happens…

See you tomorrow, suckers!

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

It has been a tiring week here at the Crisis On Infinite Midlives Home Office. We are not only just now recovering from the Vulcan Midichlorian Flu (Hey- if the Goddamned President of The United States can mix his geek references, well, then he… was just stressed. We, however, spent a day or two double-seeing the ghost of Sir Alec Guinness filing down his fingernails, looking critically at our uvulas and saying, “I’m using The Force… prepare to let go, Luke… or whoever you two shivering dipshits might be…”),  but we are also in the process of making capital improvements of our IT infrastructure (or, for laymen: co-Editor Amanda just bought a blistering I7-processor computer with a monitor so large I’ve taken to despairingly calling it “The Wadd”),  all of which means that it is yet another week where our content production hasn’t been what we hoped.

But it is Wednesday, and that means that it is a big old “do-over” in the world of comics… particularly in the world of Marvel Comics, where a killer robot has taken over, meaning it seems that we are doing over The Terminator.

But regardless, Wednesday means new comics, which means that this…

…means the end of our broadcast day.

And frankly, beyond the first issue of Brian Michael Bendis’s and Bryan Hitch’s Age of Ultron, this is a quieter week than many. For example, we have the first couple of post-Rotworld issues of Animal Man and Swamp Thing, which, occurring after the events of Rotworld, are the epitome of “anti-climactic”… but on the plus side, there are also new issues of almost everything being written by Brian Michael Bendis that isn’t about Ultron. We’ve got Bendis’s Daredevil: End of Days and Powers: Bureau… but there’s also the first issue of Detective Comics following the events of Death of The Family, a new issue of Dan Slott’s The Superior Spider-Man, a new issue of Hellboy in Hell, and a reasonable amount of other good stuff.

But you know the drill: before we can review them, we need to stop drooling mucus onto The Wadd (context is for assholes) and take some time to read them. So until we stop sloppily servicing The Machine…

…see you tomorrow, suckers!

…Every Day You Get One More Yard

So who’s spending all their waking hours nervously glancing at their smartphones, imagining vibrations or half-ringtones, praying fervently for an email from San Diego Comic-Con’s booking agent Travel Planners to find out whether or not they got the SDCC hotels they want?

Yeah, us too. And, being the even-keeled, patient types that we at Crisis On Infinite Midlives are, we made a measured and reasoned decision this evening while visiting our local comic store, where they know me by name and ask me to stop shrieking, “I’ll suck your dick for a couch to surf within a block of the San Diego Convention Center!” at the paying clientele, to remove the distressingly silent Android phones from our hands and fill them with glasses of tequila.

Which means that, even if we didn’t find out where we’ll be staying in San Diego, we did make it to the comic store, which means that this…

…means the end of our broadcast day.

But that is one hell of a take, huh? Starting with an Alan Moore / Kevin O’Neill installment of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen so new and relatively unexpected that even our local comic store owner wasn’t certain it wasn’t actually an arty sequel to Marshall Law, and continuing with the recently-spoiled Grant Morrison issue of Batman Incorporated, a new issue of The Legend of Luther Strode, a new Matt Fraction Hawkeye and last, but not least: Brian Michael Bendis’s first issue of Guardians of The Galaxy! Plus a pile of other good shit!

But before we can review them, we need to swallow the worm and have some time to read them through the double vision. So while we process the fact that this is the way we live on a Wednesday in our early 40s…

…see you tomorrow, suckers!

…Move Zig

9:30 a.m., February 20th, 2013:

“…Okay, I’m heading to the day job, Amanda. We’ll head to the comic store when I get home, okay?”

“Cool! I’m bummed that Hellblazer‘s closing out, but at least Geoff Johns has a couple of books coming out today!”

“Um… he has one new book. Justice League of America. Which looks pretty interesting, except for… Vibe.”

“Actually, Johns also has the first issue of Vibe’s solo comic coming – ”

“NO! There is no Vibe solo book!”

“But Rob,” Amanda said, “Geoff Johns is a pro at rebooting characters that people have forgotten. And – ”

“I have never forgotten Vibe,” I hissed, “I bought issues of Justice League Detroit when I was 15 years old. And I don’t need Geoff Johns to reboot Vibe, because Vibe already made me reboot. In the sense that once I read those issues, I booted. And when I reread them, I rebooted.”

“Rob,” she said, “It’s been 28 years. Don’t you think it’s time you gave the character, and more importantly, Geoff Johns, a chance?”

“Never!” I cried. “With God as my witness, Vibe will not be a part of my weekly take tonight!”

——–

…and I was right. In the sense that, since Amanda, having a day off her day gig when I didn’t, went to my local comic store, where they know me by name, and ask me to stop telling the female paying clientele that their vibrators cause cancer because they are “part Vibe,” picked up the issue on her own and wrote it a damn fine review. But I am as good as my word, which means that I have obtained this week’s take – sans Vibe – and which further means that this…

…means the end of our broadcast day.

But even putting Vibe aside, this is a pretty solid-looking take, no? We’ve got Johns’s Justice League of America, the final issue of Vertigo’s Hellblazer (which I think Amanda and I will both have comments about in the near future), a new issue of Dan Slott’s The Superior Spider-Man, Joe Hill’s and Gabriel Rodriguez’s Locke & Key: Omega, a new Saga, Matt Wagner’s The Shadow: Year One, and a bunch of other good stuff! Good stuff that’s (mostly) Vibe-free!

But in order to discuss any of them, we need time to read them (and to sober up after our drunken, Vibe-related argument). So until those things happen…

…see you tomorrow, suckers!

What Once Were Vices

So far in 2013, we have always posted a new comic review on Wednesday night, since we here at Crisis On Infinite MIdlives have generally eschewed our regular post-comics purchase stop at the local bar on Wednesdays.

With that said: have you ever been through a New England blizzard? We’ve been stuck here in the Home Office for most of the past five days – the roads weren’t passable from Friday morning until late yesterday, with all schools closed, meaning we’ve been cooped up hearing happily shrieking children sledding into the street, with us unable to get our cars out to run them down.

Which means that, hell yes, we took our first chance in days to hit our favorite bar, which further means that we are currently unable to write any review longer than, “good,” even for Batman #17, which we have read, and which will make our Best of 2013 list.

tl;dr: We are drinking, and yet it is Wednesday, both of which mean that this…

…means the end of our broadcast day.

But we are looking at one hell of a take here. Clearly, the biggest excitement of the week falls to Batman #17, and the conclusion of Death of The Family, and again: while I won’t review it until sometime tomorrow, I can tell you this: it is one of the best Batman / Joker one-on-one confrontations I have ever read. But there is also a new issue of The Walking Dead, the first issue of Ann Nocenti’s Katana, the first issue of Brian Michael Bendis’s Powers: Bureau (and his first issue of Uncanny X-Men with Shade: The Changing Man artist Chris Bachalo), Jonathan Ross’s and Bryan Hitch’s America’s Got Powers, and a bunch of other fun-looking stuff!

But you know (or at least remember) the drill: before we can review them, we need time to sober up, curse the inventor of the cheap plastic sled, and then read them. So until those planets line up…

…see you tomorrow, suckers!

Your Mother’s A Tracer

If you’re a regular reader of Crisis On Infinite Midlives, you might notice a few changes to the look. That’s because we’ve upgraded the visual engine behind the site – for the first time since we launched in September, 2011 – and go figure: there have been a million little changes under the hood.

So we’ve spent hours and hours banging on the code behind the scenes, and not being Web developers, we have learned to use the phrase “CSS” as the dirtiest of curse words. But we think we have things looking the way they should.

So please take a look around and see how things look! The angry, drunken writing hasn’t changed, but the look’s a bit different… and if we missed something or if something’s egregiously broken, please let us know in the comments or via our contact form. You will know we received your message when you hear the faint howls of anguish.

Snide Commentary

The issue with site comments I mentioned the other day has finally been fixed, tested and implemented (thanks to Trebuchet for the assist). We appreciate your patience. We only have a few regular commenters here at Crisis On Infinite Midlives, but they all complained to a one when things went tits up, so thanks for hanging in while we found a solution.

One upside of our new anti-spam solution? You shouldn’t have to deal with CAPTCHAs when commenting anymore. First-time commenters will still go into moderation as they always have, but the only time you will be forced to read something to prove your humanity will be if, in your comment, you really want to address the parallels between Doctor Octopus’s newfound youth and, say, the benefits of h3rb@l v1@gr@. And if that’s the case, I don’t think even a successful CAPTCHA is real evidence that you are human.

So thanks again for your patience. We know that you have a choice when it comes to drunkards spouting off about comic books, and we thank you for choosing Crisis On Infinite Midlives.