The Main Vein: First Image From The Wolverine

With this past summer’s excitement over The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises, combined with its mild anticipation of The Amazing Spider-Man and what has turned out to be its complete and utter apathy over Dredd 3D, it’s easy to forget that there are other comic book movies in the pipeline. Sure, we’ve got Iron Man 3, but let’s not forget that the sequel to 2009’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine, titled counterintuitively as The Wolverine for some reason, is supposedly in production.

Sure, it’s easy to forget about the old Canucklehead, given that in his last cinematic outing, he met Will.I.Am and allowed him to live, and spent time fighting the only version of Deadpool, The Merc With The Mouth, that nobody wanted – namely, one with no fucking mouth. But this time around, he’s got a new director – no more weirdness from the guy who played “German Champion” in Kickboxer 5, now we have the dude who played Dr. Gold in The Sweetest Thing! Wait, what? *

Regardless, Marvel certainly doesn’t want people to forget that there’s a new Wolverine movie coming out, so earlier today, they released the first image of Hugh Jackman, wearing the claws and about thirty pounds of hair product:

Who Wants To Be An Avenger? Jonathan Hickman’s Avengers Lineup Revealed

We’ve known for quite some time that Brian Michael Bendis’s run on the various Avengers titles was coming to an end, and it was recently announced that current Fantastic Four writer Jonathan Hickman was going to be taking over the two main titles, Avengers and The New Avengers. But one of the burning questions leading into the transfer of power has been: after the Avengers Vs. X-Men event shakes out and Hickman takes over, who’s gonna be on which team?

Well, some of those questions have been answered, as Marvel has released the first three covers to Avengers, written by Hickman with art by Jerome Opena, picturing a pretty big gathering of superheroes (and, as did Pinocchio, I question the correct term for a gathering of multiple superheroes. For today, I will eschew “gaggle” and “pride,” and will go with “wad.”):

Original Sin: Wolverine #312 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m the best there is at what I do. But what I do is spoil the living shit out of comic books.

When I was but a young lad, growing up in 1980’s America, things were different. We woke up, put on our parachute pants and our high-top Reeboks, strapped on our Walkmen to listen to the Big Band sounds of Dokken and Triumph, and walked to school uphill through the snow (okay, it was flake cocaine). We didn’t have your damn iPhones or your methamphetamine extracts or your Carly Rae Jepsen (although we did have Madonna; we could have done something about that for you kids before it was too late, and we are collectively very, very sorry)… and we sure as hell didn’t have a Wolverine with an origin story. Not like you little bastards today, who know Wolverine’s name is really James Howlett, and that he grew up in the 19th Century, and what his Weapon X helmet looked like; by God, when we read about Wolverine, we knew his name was Logan, that he was from Canada, and that’s all!

Yup, all we had was a Wolverine with a mysterious past, which kept things simple, exciting, and most importantly: difficult to fuck up with stupid shit. And having read Wolverine #312, I can say with some authority that we had it better.

You Don’t Get Much Without Giving – Review Of Wolverine #309

A couple of weeks ago, I sat through a handful of Marvel panels at SDCC and learned…not very much. Well, at least not a lot about anything related to the assorted members of the Avengers or X-Men – which was weird, what with the whole panel dedicated to them and their “summer blockbuster” event (yes, those were the, somewhat paraphrased, words of Marvel EIC Axel Alonso). At the AVX panel, much of the time was dedicated to cheerleading, with only modest time devoted to characters and titles. Most of those titles discussed ended up being related to books that will be released post AVX (Marvel NOW!). If Alonso sees the culmination of each year’s storylines as leading into a big summer time event, you’d think he might take a cue from the the actual “blockbusters” (hint – they’re often in Hall H or Ballroom 20 and you have to line up for them the day before…not waltz into them 10 minutes before they start.). Maybe have a panel that is balanced with more writers and artists on it than editorial. Talk about some of the individual books, both team and solo, of characters involved in your “summer blockbuster” in the here and now, rather than in, ahem, Marvel NOW. I’m sure it wouldn’t have killed Arune Singh to maybe take some time out from saying “How many of you love {insert event or movie}?” and get one of the architects on speaker phone, the way he did for the Amazing Spider-Man And Other Stuff That Was Marginally Related To Spider-Man panel we attended the next day. But, who knows? Rumor has it the entire staff of Marvel has to share a single bathroom in their building. Maybe they make him pay for his own long distance?

But what does this actually have to do with Wolverine #309? You’ll find out, with spoilers.

Answers To Questions You Never Cared About – Review Of Wolverine #310

Ok, show of hands: how many of you got excited and had a “No Fucking Way!” moment when Sabretooth was reintroduced to Marvel continuity by Jason Aaron back in issue #300?

Did you even realize he’d been gone? Yeah, me either. Much as it may impugn my comics expert cred, I’m going to go out on a limb here and fess up that I didn’t really remember he’d been killed off back in 2007 as the culmination of a story arc by writer Jeph Loeb called Wolverine: Evolution. I mean, I’m sure I read those issues. I’m sure if I look around through the 23 or so long boxes we have stored here at the Crisis On Infinite Midlives Home Office, they’re probably sitting in their bags and boards. The story apparently just didn’t stick to my brain.

And, why should it have? It was around this time we were also getting bombarded with the whack-a-doodle Wolverine: Origins series, that got its start through the less than satisfying Wolverine: Origins and Endings by Daniel Way the year before. Comics were in full Wolverine/Sabretooth saturation mode, and that’s before the Wolverine: Origins movie from 2009 that put the idea of Sabretooth back in popular consciousness. Victor Creed, Sabretooth, was like cockroaches or the Kardashians – he never really seems to go away.

So, how does that bode for what Marvel refers to as “The long-awaited sequel to EVOLUTION. How did Sabretooth survive his beheading all those years ago?”

Marvel gives it a parental advisory. I give it an “M”. For “meh.”

I’d say there were tantalizing glimmers of answers to the beheading question after the jump, but mostly it’s just spoilers. Follow me there anyway.

Overstimulated, Exhausted Children: Avengers Vs. X-Men #3 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review constitutes a confirmed extinction-level spoiler.

I don’t have kids myself, but many of my former drinking buddies do, which has in turn made me decide I can never have kids. Because I just can’t talk to them. You ever try talking to a little kid, particularly after they’ve had a shitload of candy? Candy you gave them in the hopes they would take it, go away and stop trying to talk to you?

You can’t make any sense of it; they spin wildly from point to point, with no real logical gristle connecting them, with weird exaggerations that beggar belief to hear (“Wait, wait, little Billy… you’re saying Deathstroke rode his pony… sorry, his My Little Pony… to Cybertron? To fight fucking Voldemort? Who plots your shit, Billy? Rob Liefeld?”). After a while, it starts to hurt the mind to keep track of what’s happening and why, because if you stop and think about it for even a minute, it doesn’t make any sense at all.

In that same vein, if I told you that the plot of a story was, “You know what would be cool? If the Avengers battled the X-Men and Phoenix – no, not some redhead in a green body stocking, but the actual giant flaming bird, like the one from Battle of The Planets – on – get this – the fucking moon,” you would think that you were overhearing a schoolyard monologue by some kid who was on the first step of a road that’s started with Ritalin and will eventually end with methamphetamine extract.

Welcome to Avengers Vs. X-Men #4: where every plot point was written with a prefix of, “And you know what else would be cool?” regardless as to whether it makes any Goddamned sense at all.

Brain Bleach – Wolverine Gets Mercury Poisoning Edition

Hey, remember that time when Wolverine and Freddie Mercury teamed up to fight crime? Yeah, I don’t either. However, Crisis On Infinite Midlives own Lance Manion has passed along this wacky comic pitch that has recently gotten renewed play on both IO9 and Rolling Stone. While it didn’t get the unnamed artist a job with Marvel, it did get the attention of bullpen member, Steve Bunche, as he noted on his own blog:

During my years in the Mighty Marvel Bullpen (February 1990-October 1998), one of my favorite pastimes was collecting the frequently wacky and often downright insane letters and submissions sent in by Marvel’s readers and eager hopefuls who aspired to join the ranks of Chris Claremont and Frank Miller as comic book storytellers…Seriously, how the fuck does someone even make the leap in narrative logic from depicting Wolverine stalking through the forest to having him run into Freddie Mercury of Queen for no apparent reason? That, dear readers, is a sign of true creativity.

Indeed. I would like a kilo of whatever that kid was smoking to come up with that idea…and a crate of whiskey. Stat.

Meanwhile, for your viewing pleasure, here are the Muppets with their cover of Bohemian Rhapsody. Enjoy what remains of your weekend!

First Look At “The Wolverine” Teaser Poster?

A. J. Mester has tweeted this image of a theoretical poster from the next installment in the Wolverine franchise of X-Movies. According to Screen Rant, who write,

The Wolverine has had a bit of a bumpy development road with some slight delays due to the weather situation in Japan, compounded by director Darren Aronofsky dropping out of the project for personal reasons.

With James Mangold (3:10 to Yuma) now set to helm the feature based on Christopher McQuarrie and Mark Bomback’s adaptation of the classic Chris Claremont and Frank Miller’s 1982 story arc in the Wolverine comics, production is on the right track with a solid release date locked down for next summer.

It is from Mangold’s offices where our first look at The Wolverine may have leaked through an Instagram photo which we’ve straightened out for a clearer image. Check out what may be the first teaser poster for The Wolverine, featuring the Japan flag in the background being sliced by Wolverine’s claws.

Is it for real? Who knows. Does it get you excited for the next movie? Maybe. If you’re me, you really like the Claremont/Miller trade and hate the way they fucked up Deadpool in the last movie, so, you’re proceeding with caution.

And, if you’re me, you’re hung over and have to go to that filthy day job that pays the bills. So, that’s enough of that.

The Wolverine drops in US theaters on July 26, 2013.

Snooki Takes On Wolverine, As Told By Annoying Orange

You may have missed it, but, this past Thursday, Nicole Polizzi (aka Snooki) found time to stop falling down drunk for a moment to tweet about Wolverine versus Jean Grey. No, really. I swear. She really did. Including a direct tweet to Hugh Jackman. I’ll let Annoying Orange and The Internet sum up how things went:

Why do I think when she types “Wolverine” she means “vodka” and when she types “character” she means “booze”?

Some Walk By Night, Some Fly By Day: X-Factor #230 Review

A beleaguered detective agency. A hot blonde who doesn’t fit in. An ill-advised love story. A bizarre cast of supporting characters. Celebrity cameos. Breaking the fourth wall. Snappy patter by the bucketload. I finally figured out why I like X-Factor so damn much: it’s Moonlighting. Moonlighting with superpowers. And a more reliable production schedule.

X-Factor #230 is the second part of a decompressed storyline and there’s next to no action in it… but I wholeheartedly recommend it anyway, even for new readers. Because it is just so much damn fun to read, and that’s saying something for an issue where the male lead is dead, the female lead is depressed into inaction, and the only fights-and-tights action happens in the in-house ads for Avengers Vs. X-Men.

To bring you up to speed (Although Amanda is perfectly capable of doing so… go ahead; I’ll wait), Madrox The Multiple Man is dead… although he appears to be alive and jumping through multiple alternative dimensions. But his team at X-Factor Investigations isn’t aware of that, mostly because the evidence all points to his being dead… that evidence being that they’ve got his body in a Frigidaire in the conference room. It’s a tragedy… because that means the office beer must be sitting on a desk getting warm somewhere.