Internal Nerd Rage: Joss Whedon Speaks Ill Of The Empire Strikes Back

Not a lot of time here today at the Crisis On Infinite Midlives Home Office, but this little tidbit caught my eye: Joss Whedon just did an extended interview with Entertainment Weekly, which is in this week’s issue. But the magazine released a couple of quotes to tease readers into picking up the issue, and only one of those quotes was enough to send half of geek fandom into a seething frenzy of hatred!

Specifically, Whedon discusses his feelings about The Empire Strikes Back, the Star Wars movie widely held to be the best of six movies and variety of television specials to date (although I have a special place in my heart for The Star Wars Holiday Special. Because the last time I saw it was in college, on grainy VHS, while I was hammered).

And amazingly, coming from the man who clearly loved Han Solo enough to basically create a television series and major motion picture based on a suspiciously similar character, those feelings are somewhat negative.

Empire committed the cardinal sin of not actually ending… which at the time I was appalled by and I still think it was a terrible idea.

Yeah, I hate it when movie franchises don’t have an ending. That’s why I’m so glad that they ended the Alien franchise after James Cameron’s Aliens! Yup, just the two movies. That’s how I remember it. There certainly was no attempt to lure fans back to the theaters with some twisted tale about cloning Ripley!

…yeah, sorry. Lot of caffeine today. What’re you driving at, Joss?

Thursday Night At The Movies: Patton Oswalt on Star Wars and Kick-Ass 2

It is yet another eventful evening in the Crisis On Infinite Midlives Home Office – tonight, we have a plumber in replacing the sink garbage disposal. You know, that thing mounted under your sink that is designed, meant and sold to grind small bits of kitchen detritus so it can be washed down the sink, thus leaving more room in the trash for beer cans? The device that has a big warning on it to keep your damn hands away from it unless you want to sharpen your wrist like a #2 pencil? Yeah, that shit the bed. On an egg shell. A bit of garbage so known for toughness and resiliency that they are sold in padded specialty containers, and if the bag kid at the grocery store puts them at the bottom of the bag, you’re allowed by Massachusetts law to bust him in the mouth with a sack full of canned goods.

So posting must be quick tonight, what with my needing to keep an eye on this guy in case he asks for assistance… and if he does, considering all I know about plumbing is its spelling, I will be forced to respond, “Sure… hows about I staple the back of your BVDs to your spine so I can stop seeing that stereotypical man-ass cleavage there, champ?”

So in the spirit of quick improvisation, we have a couple of videos for you, starting with Patton Oswalt on the set of Parks & Recreation, filibustering the city council by spending almost ten minutes explaining what the plot of Star Wars: Episode VII should be – including Marvel superheroes, the X-Men (yes, I know they are Marvel heroes, but tell movie rights holder 20th Century Fox that) and the homoerotic cast of Clash of The Titans. It’s some good, impressive and funny stuff – as you can tell by the poster Entertainment Weekly made based on selfsame improvised rant.

And if that’s not enough, well, someone leaked an extended, bloody battle scene from the climax of Kick-Ass 2. Both of which you can find after the jump.

Info (Star) Wars

When I was a young lad back in 1977, I used to argue with my friends at the schoolyard during recess over which one of us would get to pretend to be Luke Skywalker as we relived the daring rescue of Princess Leia and the subsequent destruction of the Death Star. We were young, innocent, and simply eager to mimic one of the greatest heroes of modern times. Or at least, that’s what we thought.

What if we were lied to? What if Luke Skywalker – Red Five himself – was part of a secret plot hatched by the entire Skywalker family to destroy the Death Star from the inside, as part of a conspiracy to kill much of the Empire’s top military personnel, profit from the military / industrial complex that would inevitably demand the reconstruction of the Death Star, and eventually seize control of the Imperial government. We’ve heard of the Old Republic… but why haven’t we heard of the New Galactic Order?

I mean, sure: we’ve all seen video of the X-Wing Red Squadron flying the trench and launching their proton torpedoes – we’ve seen that video on film, on VHS videotape, on DVD and on high-definition Blu-Ray so far – but what if it was faked? What if some insidious, shadowy figure behind the scenes kept doctoring that video, to the point of repeatedly tinkering with it, without our consent? All in the interest of muddying our memories of that momentous event, in the pursuit of simply cynical profit?

Clearly, I’m not the only person who thinks this might be the case. Because free-thinking patriot Graham Putnam has created a video that just might change your thinking about the fateful day we witnessed the thousands killed in the tragedy that is the Battle of Yavin IV… and might make you question whether or not The Force, is in fact, with any of us. And you can watch this eye-opening video after the jump.

We are through the looking glass, people! Tarkin was martyred!

A Flanking Maneuver Into The Killbox: A Valentine’s Tactical Assessment of The Battle of Hoth

It is Valentine’s Day, which means that couples everywhere are discussing matters of the heart. They are having heart-to-hearts about their relationships. Their futures. Their dreams. And, if that couple has been together for a while and know each other in a truly intimate manner, they discuss things that truly matter. Things such as the shortsighted and deeply flawed attack plan that Darth Vader launched following Admiral Ozzel’s clumsy and stupid drop from hyperspace into Hoth orbit, where he used overwhelming armored forces to achieve exactly fuckall, due to his apparent belief that a “flanking maneuver” is a Correllian sexual position, and that a “killbox” is a derogatory euphemism for a skilled laboress who trades in the Correllian Flanking Maneuver.

Well, it’s a good thing that, earlier this week, Wired Magazine published a lengthy article by defense blogger Spencer Ackerman discussing, in fairly low-level detail, the tactics used by Darth Vader and his attack fleet during the Battle of Hoth, a battle that only a week ago I would have sworn under oath that I knew more about than not only any American military battle, but also knew better than any of my childhood fistfights.

Turns out? Yeah, not so much. It turns out that the heroic escape of the Rebels in the face of overwhelming evil and incredible odds was, instead, the military equivalent of suckerpunching a kid in a helmet who drew up his battle plan with Crayolas.

Some Unknown Dude Apparently Knows His Stuff: J. J. Abrams WILL Direct Star Wars

Disney and Lucasfilm clearly have a deeply-rooted hatred of honest, hardworking writers about comics and genre entertainment. There is no other reason for them, after a full day of unanswered and anonymously-sourced rumors that J. J. Abrams has been hired to direct Star Wars: Episode VII, to finally issue a press release on the subject. On Friday night. Well after what is widely accepted and known as Beer O’Clock amongst decent comics bloggers. So by the time I noticed it, I thought that the fine folks at the Disney Corporation had declared war upon us. And that they were sending J. J. Abrams to direct the attack, with Lawrence Kasdan and Simon Kinberg in consulting positions. And that, for some reason, they had sent two press releases side by side, and that they were coated with something that was making the room spin. Sure, more bourbon helped, but after that, I became convinced that Lucasfilm was trying to sell me some herbal Viagra. Things get a little hazy after that.

But it is morning now. The birds are singing, the sun is bright, and I have finished throwing up. And it turns out that, yeah: Disney and Lucasfilm has confirmed that J. J. Abrams has signed on to direct the new Star Wars movie after all. We’ve got the press release after the jump… and here’s hoping that it treats you better than it did me last night.

J. J. Abrams To Direct Star Wars, Says Some Unknown Dude

As of this writing, this is a one-source story based on comments from “an individual with knowledge,” with no confirmation from anyone actually named in the story… but this is, after all, the Internet, where things like confirmation and reputable, on-the-record sources happen to other media. Dying media. Media with the budget to make phone calls to people who know things. And besides, if I waited for “confirmation” for everything I saw on the Internet, I’d still be waiting for a call back vis-a-vis whether that girl in the schoolgirl suit was, in fact, a schoolgirl, and I’d never ejaculate again.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah: The Wrap is reporting that J. J. Abrams has signed to direct Star Wars: Episode VII.

I Have A Bad Feeling About This: Star Wars #1 Review

Just a few hours ago, in a town, not so far away…. I picked up my copy of Brian Wood’s Star Wars at my local comics shop, where they know me by name and keep begging me not to bring Rob there, ever again.  Getting the issue is apparently no small feat since even our fearless leader Rob couldn’t get his hands on a copy of this mutha.

Wood is tackling an interesting time in the Star Wars timeline. His focus is on the original characters during the several years between the destruction of the Death Star at the Battle of Yavin, and where Empire picks up on Hoth. It truly surprises me that this period is rarely addressed, with the absolute breadth and depth of expanded universe novels, comics, cartoons, and slashfic. There’s an awful lot of un-addressed character development that takes place off-screen between the movies. Luke has gone from whiny farm boy to a confident and able fighter. Han has shed his “only looking out for number one” attitude, and emerged as a real leader within the rebellion.  Leia has transformed from a mouthy princess to… well, a mouthy princess.

Kid, I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff, but I’ve never seen anything to make me believe in spoilers…

No One Can Find Weapons of Mass Destruction: White House Denies Death Star Petition

Hey, didja know that, if you’re an American citizen, you can go the the White House Web site and set up a petition to the President of The United States? And if enough people sign it, the White House will issue an official response? What a nice way to make the people feel involved in the process of government, and to make it seem like we, the people, have the ability to request that our government consider the thing we want most.

Important things that could affect every American. Like the construction of a technological terror capable of destroying an entire planet.

You read right: someone started a petition to the President of The United States to begin the construction of a Death Star. And around 25,000 of my fellow Americans signed their names to this pursuit – heroes all! – telling their elected officials that their highest priority is, above health care and deficit control and environmental concerns and the squashing of foreign enemies, the creation of a battle station capable of solving all of these problems by rendering them into a meteor shower, or perhaps some kind of asteroid collision that’s not on any of the charts.

And more importantly? The White House has issued an official response. A taxpayer-funded official response. To a request made by 0.008 percent of the population of the United States.

That we build a fucking Death Star.

Take Her Away: Disney / Marvel To Take Star Wars License From Dark Horse

A long time ago (sometime around 1986) in a galaxy far, far away (presuming you are reading this from somewhere in Andromeda, and if you are: please send flying cars and jetpacks), Marvel Comics decided, four years after Return of The Jedi had left theaters and with enthusiasm for Star Wars dwindling after years of no word of a fourth movie forthcoming, to stop publishing Star Wars comic books.

A less long time ago (figure around 1991), writer Timothy Zahn published a Star Wars novel named Heir to The Empire, which rumor had it was authorized by George Lucas and reflective of the plots originally planned for the Star Wars Episode VII movie promised to us back around 1980. The book and its sequels were a hit, and revitalized interest in Star Wars for the first time in years. And by the end of that year, we walked into comic stores to find Dark Empire, the first new Star Wars comic book in about five years, written by Tom Veitch and drawn by Cam Kennedy, expanding on Zahn’s work and published by Dark Horse Comics. This began a run of Dark Horse-published Star Wars comics that have spanned two decades, three new Star Wars movies, and, depending on your point of view and impulse control, four to six George Lucas childhood rapes (depending on if you count the non-Genndy Tartakovsky Clone Wars cartoons.

A couple weeks ago, in Los Angeles, Disney bought Lucasfilm. And you might remember that three years ago, Disney bought Marvel Comics. And yet, to this day, Dark Horse publishes several Star Wars comic books (including reprints of many of the old Marvel issues). But hey, that’s okay! What could possibly happen? I mean, look at Star Wars itself! When Senator Palpatine took over the Senate, everything stayed a-ok and the status quo was maintained, right?

Right?

(cue Darth Vader’s Imperial March)

Surely, You Belong With Us Here Amongst The Clouds: Lando in Star Wars VII?

It’s been a good couple of weeks since the news broke that Disney purchased Lucasfilm and then announced that they were beginning production on a new Star Wars movie. And in that time, there has been a small amount of concrete news about the new movie: such as the fact that it is being written by Michael Ardnt, the dude who wrote Little Miss Sunshine and Toy Story 3… and not very much else.

Sure, we’ve learned a few things that aren’t happening, such as the fact that, despite working on a film in development for Disney, Brad Bird won’t be directing Star Wars VII. Nor will Quentin Tarantino, Steven Spelberg, or Zack Snyder. We’re reasonably certain that the film will be set after Return of The Jedi, and we’ve heard that Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford, at least, wouldn’t be averse to coming back in some capacity or another. So that’s where we are: we know the writer and we think we know the general era in which the story will be set, and there’s at least a chance that the three main characters will be coming back.

So that’s that. Nothing new to report. Nothing we’ve missed or forgotten that we might carry over from the original trilogy?

Oh yeah: there’s that guy who blew up the second Death Star.

Lando Calrissian might be coming back.

Well, maybe.