Spawn Camping: Green Lantern Corps #3 Review

A few weeks ago I reviewed a comic book about a video game that was actually a damn good Green Lantern story. By contrast, the latest issue of Green Lantern Corps is a Green Lantern comic that is, for all intents and purposes, a video game.

This book is what Green Lantern would be if it was a first person shooter in Hoard Mode.

You think I’m kidding? The whole video game vibe frankly bakes off of this book. For starters, look at that Alex Garner cover and tell me it doesn’t look like concept art from some FPS. The first person point of view, “your” hand coming into frame at right to shoot plasma beams at anonymous bad guys in armor with lightsabers… just replace the DC Comics slug with a health meter and the New 52 bullet with an ammo indicator and boom! You’ve got a shooter! A shooter designed by a focus group loaded with Asperger’s patients (“So how about we give stormtroopers lightsabers and have them fight Green Lanterns? Jesus, Bob; they’re all peeing!”), but a shooter nonetheless.

The whole video game vibe continues right into the story proper and doesn’t stop, from the weird aliens coming in multiple waves, to the Green Lanterns using their rings – weapons that can turn whatever you imagine into reality – to do nothing more than create a plethora of BFG9000’s to mow the aliens down. Part of me thinks that writer Peter J. Tomasi took a screen grab of an epic Red Bull-and-Stoli-fueled Gears of War session, emailed it to artist Geraldo Borges, and said, “Lightbox this, but make everything, y’know, green. But don’t trace the chainsaws on the ends of the guns; I don’t want to get sued.”

Brain Bleach – Clown Car Edition

I was going to write a little something about this scene from the latest Suicide Squad #3, but Laura Hudson at Comics Alliance beat me to it:

Congratulations, Floyd - you've just had sex with The Joker by proxy.

Clown car, eh? That’s a hell of a euphemism, Harley.

We’re Done Being Afraid

It’s Wednesday, and it’s several hours past whiskey o’clock, and you know what that means:

That’s right, it is the end of our broadcast day.

But with a weekly take that includes the new Justice League, Batman, X-Factor (Which we routinely love but have never yet reviewed), Atomic Robo, DC Universe Online Legends (Which pleasantly surprised us last month), and… Jesus Fuck; is that another fucking Fear Itself book? Oh, Fraction…

Well, either way, it’s a lot of books, and we need time to read them before we tell you if you should.

See you tomorrow, suckers!

DC Universe Online – Good, Evil, and the Politics of Ass Kicking

It’s time for my bi-fortnightly contribution to the site.   I just recently learned that bi-fortnightly actually means “every four weeks”, not “bisexual night in Rob’s blanket fort” as I was originally told.  Rob and I will be speaking further about this discovery and its implications. – Lance

So DC Comics’ MMORPG, DC Universe Online went free to play earlier in the month.  Thinking, “the price is right!” I grabbed my mouse, put on my Batman Underoos and dove right in.  And waited.  After about five days, DC got their hardware issues unscrewed and I was off to the races with PunchKicker, a Community-inspired hero.  I have to say, in terms of atmospherics DC really gets it right.  Metropolis feels like Metropolis.  It’s sunny, optimistic and full of life.  Gotham City, in turn, feels like the last gasping breath of a dying wino.  Seriously, it’s eerie how close they got on that one.  Come to Rob and Amanda’s house on Club-a-Wino-to-Death night and you’ll see.

Lord of The Thighs: DC’s February Solicitations

Yesterday was a big day on the DC Source blog, where they apparently decided to try and recapture that excitement and magic of the first month of the New 52 by showing off every… single… cover of every… single… comic that they’re releasing in February, the six month anniversary (or six month-aversary? “Anni” means “year”. So technically, anniversary isn’t the right – what’s that? No, you’ve been drinking! but I digress.

You can go straight to the source (get it?) for the full list, but here are some of the highlights. And lowlights:

You Too Will Believe A Flightless Water Fowl Can Fly, Maybe – Review of Penguin: Pain And Prejudice #1-2

Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin, made his comic book debut in Detective Comics #58 in 1941. Like Batman, he too was conceived by Bob Kane, but his origins have varied over the decades to suit the needs of the writers. In this most recent incarnation, as is being detailed in Penguin: Pain And Prejudice, written by Gregg Hurwitz with art by Szymon Kudranski, The Penguin’s back story seems to be along the lines of being from a well-off family, but rejected by his father, brothers and school mates for his short stature, beak-like nose and generally milquetoast personality. Indeed, the only person in the world who loves him unconditionally is his mother. He returns her love with a burning affection that would make Oedipus blush.

Well, a boy needs something hold onto in the crazy world of ours, right?

Nah.

It’s just kind of icky and sad.

But does any of this have to do with Ozzie’s rise to the top of the Gotham crime scene beyond making us feel vaguely uncomfortable as we read it?

Spoilers after the jump!

We Didn’t Start The Fire

It is Wednesday, and since the Arkham City video game has made many of us… shall we say, sensitive to the idea of Harley Quinn in a bustier, that means that this…

…particularly a new Suicide Squad, means the end of our broadcast day.

But let’s talk about a decent take, shall we? We’ve got a new Black Panther, a new Ultimate Spider-Man, and a new Star Trek Vs. the Legion of Super Heroes (Or as we like to call it here at the Crisis on Infinite Midlives Home Office: Two Saturn Girls, One Spock)!

But we’ve gotta read them before we can write about them, and before that we have all this beer we need to turn into hangovers!

So: see you tomorrow, suckers!

The Man of Tomorrow, Tomorrow: Action Comics #3 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, it’s Superman! Strange visitor from another planet! With spoilers and ruined story notes far beyond those of mortal men!

I was initially skeptical about Grant Morrison’s take on the new early days of Superman in Action Comics – the only attractive thing about an urban hipster blogger with a mad-on for corporations and a Justin Beiber haircut is that when he’s also Superman you won’t do any time if you hit him in his John Lennon glasses with a fucking pipe.

And truthfully, the concept of a Superman who takes on slumlords and capitalists is a wonderful idea, provided it’s 1939 and nobody’s invented Brainiac yet. Even a partially-depowered Superman against, say, a CEO is like deploying a fuel-air bomb against Cookie Monster. As a power fantasy for the unemployed it might be fun, but from a storytelling standpoint, it presents the same problems as a 12 to 2 Red Sox / Brewers blowout: fun, but sure as hell not exciting. Particularly when you stop for a second and realize that you can kill your average American CEO by putting a plate of prime rib at the top of a flight of stairs.

It turns out that Morrison seems to realize this, so in just a couple of issues, we’ve transitioned from Superman as hippie anarchist to Superman as fuckup.

I Never Thought This Would Happen To Me: Red Lanterns #3 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers. It also contains at least three euphemisms for male ejaculation, several vulgar terms for female genitalia, and more than one filthy joke. With the entirety of Red Lanterns #3 being one of those filthy jokes. You have been warned.

I’ve read three issues of DC’s Red Lanterns now, and having done so, I have one obvious question: who hurt you, Peter Milligan?

What was her name? Sit on down, crack open a beer and tell Uncle Rob aaaaallll about that cooze. Get it out of your system. And then maybe you can get back to writing a superhero book that makes some fucking sense.

Red Lanterns #3 opens with a bat chick with big knockers (You remember Bleez, right?) inverted, look of terror on her face while she chokes on thick, viscous liquid, while Atrocitus narrates:

With luck, the pain will be intense.

That’ll mean it’s working. the gelatinous liquids of Ysmault entering her brain.

Sure, Atrocitus. I call mine “Old Sparky,” but “Ysmault” works too, I guess. Seriously, Peter: where’d you salvage that narration from? Your letter to fucking Penthouse?

Crisis On Infinite Midlives Podcast Episode 6: The Justice of Winky Von Browneye

It’s, err… a day (We’ve just about given up on a regular schedule for this thing)… which means that it’s time for another exciting episode of the Crisis On Infinite Midlives Podcast!

Brought to you, as always, in crystal-clear Drunkard Digital 2.0 surround sounds (2.1 if Rob burps into the microphone! And you don’t want to know under what circumstances it becomes 2.2!)

Discussed in this week’s program:

• Monthly Comics: Holding The Line at 20 Pages plus House Ads and Shilling for Harley Davidson!
• Looney Tunes, or: The Diagnosis of Super-Villains (Ooh! I vote Tertiary Syphilis!), and:
• Our unreviewed books of the week: Deadpool, Dead Man’s Run, and the conclusion of Spider-Island!

And you can follow along at home with these links, kids!

• Who the hell wrote Astonishing X-Men 43, anyway?
• Our Spaceman Review
• Psychiatrists Call Out DC On Depictions of Mentally Ill
• Putting the Caped Crusader on The Couch
• Batman Villains Psychoanalyzed by Mental Health Experts
• Broadcast Thought
• What the hell is The Psychopath Test?

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 45:54 — 42.0MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Play | Stitcher | TuneIn | RSS | More

As always: wear headphone when listening at work unless you’re tired of your job!

Enjoy the show, suckers!