I’m Batman: Frank Miller’s Holy Terror Review

Wow. My two-day hangover tells me that Red Sox season finish was certainly worth staying up for. Let’s pretend that atrocity didn’t happen, and that even if it did that there was something we could do about it, and move back to comics, where the good guys always win, shall we? After all, if that kind of fantasy’s good enough for Frank Miller, it should be good enough for the rest of us.

I’m gonna withhold judgment for just this second as to whether Holy Terror is a good book or not and start with what will be obvious for anyone who reads it: this is a Batman story. It started it’s life as Holy Terror, Batman! when Miller announced it in 2006, and he maintained that it was Batman story until 2008, when he started telling people that it was about a “new hero [he] made up that fights Al Qaeda.”

Sure, Frank. A new hero. You made up. In a cape and a cowl. With a utility belt. And gadgets. And an archenemy who’s a cat burgler. With claws. Who has “nine lives.” And I’m sure it’s purely by coincidence that you technically pulled Batman out of your story about a vigilante who tortures and kills terrorists in 2008, when Warner Brothers was releasing The Dark Knight and making about a bajillion dollars. Sure you made it up, Frank… if by “you” you mean “Legendary Comics’ team of entertainment lawyers.”

So yeah, this is a Batman story. It started its life that way, and Miller clearly left the obvious parallels in there so we’d KNOW it was a Batman story. So let’s just treat it that way – none of the “The Fixer” or “Natalie Stack” or “Detective Dan Donegal” crap Frank ginned up to duck the lawsuit. It’ll just be Batman and Catwoman and Commissioner Gordon for the purposes of this review, partially because I think Miller wants it that way, and partially because I’m too damn lazy to keep flipping back through the book to remember pastiche names.

So anyway – here be spoilery chunks:

“Beast In The Cave” – Not A Euphemism: Review of American Vampire #19

In March 2010, American Vampire debuted through Vertigo. The premise of the book is that in the United States a new breed of vampire has been born, one with that is faster and more powerful than its European counterpart. It’s also impervious to sunlight. USA! USA! USA!

The first five issues of the series drew a fair amount of buzz because in addition to stories written by creator Scott Snyder, there were also stories written by horror master Stephen King.

The initial arc follows the story of the first American vampire, Skinner Sweet, who was a deadly, notorious outlaw well before he was ever infected with vampire blood. It also follows the story of Pearl Jones, a struggling actress in the era of silent film, who Skinner saves from European vampires and turns into his first progeny. Both sets of stories were drawn by Rafael Albuquerque. Albuquerque’s a man who knows his way around an art panel. His stylized use of heavy contrast shading, mixed with pencil sketches, ink washes and more traditional inking, have given the books a look that sets them apart from other horror comics and helped to win the book IGN Best New Series of 2010 and an Eisner Award for Best New Series this year in San Diego.

Sounds good, right? Well, if for some reason you’re not reading this book yet – say you are from Brockton Mars, or have been trapped under something heavy for the past year and a half – Snyder gives you a great place to jump on with issue #19, The Beast In The Cave. Spoilers ahead.

We Can Rebuild Him: The Bionic Man #2 Review

And, as is becoming a tradition, one final quick review from last week before the comic stores open for New Comics Day…

“I know Steve Austin is going away… but I’ll never forget him.” That, as my parents are fond of reminding me, is what I said about the cancellation of The Six Million Dollar Man. They also like to remind me that I was crying and cuddling my Steve Austin action figure when I said this. I was 24 years old.

Just kidding. If you were of an age and a type to be predisposed to liking comic books in the late 1970’s, The Six Million Dollar Man was required viewing. And I know that Time / Life’s released the entire four-year run of the show on DVD, but I’ve resisted dropping the cash or looking for rips online because no matter what nostalgia I feel for the show, I know that if I watch it now, it will suck out loud. It’s one thing to nostalgically go, “Bin-nin-nin-nin-nin-nin-nin-nin…” under your breath when you lift a heavy box. It’s quite another to sit down to watch a show where you know full well that you will see Steve Austin befriend Bigfoot, and worse: William Shatner.

And yet I’ve been picking up Dynamite Comics’ modernized adaptation of the story, The Bionic Man, written by Kevin Smith and Phil Hester and drawn by Jonathan Lau… and I am HOOKED.

Don’t misunderstand me: there is no objective reason for me to be into this comic. Smith is indulging in the worst form of decompressed storytelling, as he did in Batman: The Widening Gyre when he took six issues and 120ish pages to say “And one time? Batman peed in his pants.”

Tangled Up: Blue Beetle #1 Review

This is the story of Jaime Reyes, a normal teenager living in suburban New Mexico with his best friends Paco – a gangbanger with a sense of humor and a heart of gold – and Brenda – a redhead who happens to be the niece of La Dama – a female crime lord with a stable of superpowered minions. Jaime finds himself fused with the Scarab – a piece of alien technology from something called The Reach – that bestows upon him a suit of powered armor that he doesn’t know how to use and might be operating under its own agenda.

Sound interesting? It should: it’s the plot of Blue Beetle. Written by Keith Giffen and John Rogers. In 2006.

It’s ALSO the plot of Blue Beetle #1, written by Tony Bedard and penciled by Ig Guara, released last Wednesday. And that’s the problem.

Don’t get me wrong: Blue Beetle is a well-executed and entertaining origin issue. It lays out where the Scarab comes from, it introduces all the main players, gets the Scarab on Jaime, all in 20 pages. Of all the New 52 books from DC, it probably meets the stated goal of the reboot, to create an entry point for new, non-comic readers, most effectively. Sure, there’s still a writing-for-the-trade feel since Jaime doesn’t become Blue Beetle until the last page, but Bedard tells us what we need to know without requiring any knowledge of continuity. It’s somewhat refreshing… or it would be if Bedard DIDN’T require a fluency in a second Goddamned language.

There are at least ten or eleven panels in this book that include Spanish or Spanglish – to the point where Bedard puts the ol’ footnote asterix next to the phrase “La casa de Amparo Cardenas” to tell us in caption that it is “Translated from the Spanglish”… except he NEVER FUCKING TRANSLATES IT. He might as well have wasted panel real estate with “Translated into Spanglish from Klingon by way of Helen Keller’s homemade tappity language.” For all I know, Jaime spend half the book saying, “You, reader, are a racist, provincial dingus.”

She’s Back (And Pantsless!) – Review Of Wonder Woman #1

Brian Azzarello might be my favorite person in the comic book world, this week. First, he published this great letter on Vertigo’s editorial board, On The Ledge, in which he rails against the future for not delivering the goods it promised:

Dear Future,

F**k you.

You promised me a jetpack, and didn’t deliver. You’ve led me on and really let me down, so you can go to hell.

I’ll admit it: when you handed me a glass of Tang and a Space Food Stick I fell for you hard. You told me you were gonna be beyond my wildest dreams and we would be going places (using that jetpack, right?). You literally promised me the moon and I bought in hook, line and sinker. Well, if I still had that Space Food Stick I’d shove it up your fat bony ass, you two-faced, fun-squashing bag of woe. You can go to hell.

I, too, am disappointed by my lack of cheap, afforable jet-pack ownership. It would make going to my local comic book store ever so much easier and cooler. However, I did manage to get there this week and was rewarded for my efforts with Wonder Woman #1, also written by Mr. Azzarello with art by Cliff Chiang.

Brave New X-World – Review Of Ultimate X-Men #1

This week, Marvel’s Ultimate line reboots its X-Men franchise with Ultimate X-Men #1 written by Nick Spencer with pencils by Paco Medina and inks by Juan Vlasco. We’re dropped into a world that is still mourning the death of Peter Parker, and is now rocked by the revelation that mutants aren’t a natural occurrence, but instead are the by-product of decades of bio-engineering experimentation. The general public has orders to shoot any mutant that has not turned itself over to a containment camp. Also, Santa Claus isn’t real and your mom never loved you. It’s a beautiful day in the fucking neighborhood.

Warning – spoilers below the fold!

Go Ask Alice: Batman #1 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following review may contain spoilers. It definitely contains rank amateurish speculation. Tread lightly.

I never read Alice in Wonderland because I was born in the early 1970’s and therefore had Star Wars. I didn’t see the recent Johnny Depp Alice in Wonderland flick because it was a Tim Burton movie that didn’t have Batman in it. So I know next to nothing about Lewis Carroll’s story beyond the character names… but I know enough about Batman to know that the odds that a new character named Lincoln March who is running for mayor will eventually unmask himself as a new supervillain named The March Hare are approximately one in one.

I was – and remain – so sure that this is how this new character was going to turn out that I reread Batman #1 about four times, inspecting the art and rereading every word looking for clues. Meaning that Batman #1 is detective story worth reading repeatedly. It’s about fucking time.

Because Stiffman’s Power Is COMPLETELY Different: DC Universe Presents: Deadman #1 Review

Deadman is one of those characters created in the 60’s that, if he hadn’t been drawn extensively by Neal Adams, probably wouldn’t exist today except maybe in a background shot of a Grant Morrison story written on a day when Grant was feeling a nostalgia for Silver Age DC ephemera almost as powerful as the peyote that’s probably fueling that nostalgia.

The concept behind Deadman is pretty ridiculous at its core for a superhero comic: a famous circus trapeze artist not named Wallenda (which was apparently something you could earn a living at in the days before cable TV and home video pornography) is shot to death by a sniper with one hand. He is then sent back to Earth as an invisible, undetectable ghost with the power to possess people. And he uses that power in the pursuit of justice, rather than the pursuit of possessing whoever happens to be banging Lindsey Lohan at this particular moment, or making Linda Blair gack up pea soup. Possibly while banging Lindsey Lohan. But I digress.

Seriously: Deadman’s power is to possess people, giving those people the ability to… do whatever those people could already do, only with a carny sense of humor. Which is a great character to have in your deck if you happen to need a deus ex machina (“Being invisible, I saw that The Joker fled to the playing card factory!”), or for a familiar character to suddenly start spitting out douchey jokes, (“I saw that The Joker fled to the playing card factory! Now pull Superman’s finger, Batman!”). It has it’s uses, but it’s not like Deadman’s ever been the kind of character that could ever anchor his own title.

Which is why, when I found DC Comic Presents: Deadman #1 in this week’s books, I dealt it to the bottom of the read pile. And why I was surprised that, when I did read it, I found it to be the sleeper hit in this Week’s New 52.

What’s That Giant Sucking Sound? – Review Of Red Hood And The Outlaws #1

18 days ago, when this very Website opened for business, I pointed out that Rob still believes that DC owes him $1.99 because he voted in a phone poll to have Jason Todd killed and they wouldn’t let the fucker stay dead.

I now believe we can tack at least another dollar on to that. That would bring us up to the current cover cost of Red Hood And The Outlaws #1, written by Scott Lobdell with art by Kenneth Rocafort.

This book started with potential. Roy Harper supposedly went to Qurac to help the local populace overthrow their dictator and got thrown in prison for his troubles. Jason Todd travels to Qurac to break Roy Harper out of prison.

Hilarity and a body count ensue. Ok, not really. Just the body count.

All About The Pussy: Catwoman #1 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers… although it would be hard to ruin it any worse than it already is.

When I was in high school, in those dark days before even the first Tim Burton Batman movie was released, it was hard to be a Batman fan. Based upon the fact that Batman lived with a prepubescent boy, I found myself spending an inordinate amount of time, time that I could have spent attempting to convince girls that reading Batman didn’t make me unfuckable,  instead defending the character as a heterosexual gynephile, based purely on implied attraction between Batman and Catwoman, including sidelong glances, near kisses, and vague double entendre.

You damn spoiled rotten kids today, what with your Anne Hathaway, and your slashfic, and your Catwoman #1.

Seriously: check this shit out: