Professor Charles Xavier Explains It All For You

Just found this over at Comics Alliance. College Humor has published The X-Men Guide To Puberty by Caldwell Tanner, who you may also know from Five Easy Ways To Show You Don’t Give A Fuck. Read along as Professor X tell you everything you did, and maybe didn’t, want to know about your unholy mutant aberration rapidly developing body!

I remember when my mom said the same thing to me. I think it was shortly after she admitted she didn't really like kids.

Read the rest of the “What’s Happening To My Body Book For Mutants” here.

“Beast In The Cave” – Not A Euphemism: Review of American Vampire #19

In March 2010, American Vampire debuted through Vertigo. The premise of the book is that in the United States a new breed of vampire has been born, one with that is faster and more powerful than its European counterpart. It’s also impervious to sunlight. USA! USA! USA!

The first five issues of the series drew a fair amount of buzz because in addition to stories written by creator Scott Snyder, there were also stories written by horror master Stephen King.

The initial arc follows the story of the first American vampire, Skinner Sweet, who was a deadly, notorious outlaw well before he was ever infected with vampire blood. It also follows the story of Pearl Jones, a struggling actress in the era of silent film, who Skinner saves from European vampires and turns into his first progeny. Both sets of stories were drawn by Rafael Albuquerque. Albuquerque’s a man who knows his way around an art panel. His stylized use of heavy contrast shading, mixed with pencil sketches, ink washes and more traditional inking, have given the books a look that sets them apart from other horror comics and helped to win the book IGN Best New Series of 2010 and an Eisner Award for Best New Series this year in San Diego.

Sounds good, right? Well, if for some reason you’re not reading this book yet – say you are from Brockton Mars, or have been trapped under something heavy for the past year and a half – Snyder gives you a great place to jump on with issue #19, The Beast In The Cave. Spoilers ahead.

Does DC Actually Care What Readers Think About The DCnU?

Does DC actually care about what new and returning readers think about the reboot of the DC universe? Well, according to Bleeding Cool, they’ve actually gone and hired Nielsen, who is most well known for its television ratings and surveys, to get the pulse on US reader and retailer reactions to the new #1s.

DC Comics have announced they have hired the rather respected monitoring company Nielsen NRG to survey comic book retailers and readers about the New 52 line – and who is reading it, what, why and how much…But as well as onlne surveys, they’ll be going into comic shops, meeting and talking to retailers and readers alike…the results may affect what DC will publish next. And results will be released next year…

If you want to participate in the survey, it can be found here.

Brain Bleach: Friendship Is Magic Edition

In the spirit of providing you with more disturbing art based on comic book characters, I thought I’d pass along this gem I came across while browsing the Reddit Comic Book subreddit (forum thingy). This is the work of Jodi Moisan. Jodi has decided to create art that brings together her love of all things comic book…and My Little Pony – the My Hero Pony. Behold:

Yay! Ponies! Now, I would also like a Transformer and a rocket launcher and a...

What To Get The Girl Who Has Wants Everything (Undead)

Vampires and minions and shootists, oh my!

Both Newsarama and Ape Entertainment have a preview up for a new book called Helldorado: East Eats Westwhich is thusly described:

Gunfights! Kung fu! Monsters! If Hammer Films had hired a band of Hong Kong filmmakers to create a Spaghetti Western, they’d have created HELLDORADO! An unspeakable act of violence has altered reality itself, and a supernatural evil looms over the town of El Dorado. The most horrific myths of the Far East threaten to engulf the American West in darkness, and the only thing standing between a vengeful Chinese vampire, its army of undead minions, and the end of humankind is an unlikely band of erstwhile heroes: an heiress, a gambler, an aging sheriff, his deputy, and a warrior priest. Horror, fantasy, kung fu, and Western action combine in this bizarre genre mash-up.

She’s Back (And Pantsless!) – Review Of Wonder Woman #1

Brian Azzarello might be my favorite person in the comic book world, this week. First, he published this great letter on Vertigo’s editorial board, On The Ledge, in which he rails against the future for not delivering the goods it promised:

Dear Future,

F**k you.

You promised me a jetpack, and didn’t deliver. You’ve led me on and really let me down, so you can go to hell.

I’ll admit it: when you handed me a glass of Tang and a Space Food Stick I fell for you hard. You told me you were gonna be beyond my wildest dreams and we would be going places (using that jetpack, right?). You literally promised me the moon and I bought in hook, line and sinker. Well, if I still had that Space Food Stick I’d shove it up your fat bony ass, you two-faced, fun-squashing bag of woe. You can go to hell.

I, too, am disappointed by my lack of cheap, afforable jet-pack ownership. It would make going to my local comic book store ever so much easier and cooler. However, I did manage to get there this week and was rewarded for my efforts with Wonder Woman #1, also written by Mr. Azzarello with art by Cliff Chiang.

Brave New X-World – Review Of Ultimate X-Men #1

This week, Marvel’s Ultimate line reboots its X-Men franchise with Ultimate X-Men #1 written by Nick Spencer with pencils by Paco Medina and inks by Juan Vlasco. We’re dropped into a world that is still mourning the death of Peter Parker, and is now rocked by the revelation that mutants aren’t a natural occurrence, but instead are the by-product of decades of bio-engineering experimentation. The general public has orders to shoot any mutant that has not turned itself over to a containment camp. Also, Santa Claus isn’t real and your mom never loved you. It’s a beautiful day in the fucking neighborhood.

Warning – spoilers below the fold!

Sometimes You Need Detergent And Elbow Grease; Sometimes You Need An Exorcism – Hellblazer #283

This isn’t a review. This is what happens when I’m left alone in a room with a packet of Sudafed, a bottle of Scotch, and a stack of comics and start to free associate. You’ve been warned.

Menthols? What alternate reality is this?

In addition to John Constantine’s sizable, nay, myriad tragic flaws as a human being, in John Constantine: Hellblazer #283 – “The Devil’s Trench Coat Part 1” we learn that he also doesn’t do laundry. John Constantine would have been that guy who lived on your floor in your college dorm who deposited all his athletic wear on the carpet of the hallway outside his doorway after sports practice and just left it there, stinking up the joint until a squadron of RAs was dispatched to enforce a cease and desist – that is, if Constantine actually went to college. Constantine’s aversion to even hitting his trench coat with the occasional blast of Febreeze is so bad that the coat has, apparently, gained sentience and gone on walk about. Then some hapless chump buys it on Ebay:

What’s That Giant Sucking Sound? – Review Of Red Hood And The Outlaws #1

18 days ago, when this very Website opened for business, I pointed out that Rob still believes that DC owes him $1.99 because he voted in a phone poll to have Jason Todd killed and they wouldn’t let the fucker stay dead.

I now believe we can tack at least another dollar on to that. That would bring us up to the current cover cost of Red Hood And The Outlaws #1, written by Scott Lobdell with art by Kenneth Rocafort.

This book started with potential. Roy Harper supposedly went to Qurac to help the local populace overthrow their dictator and got thrown in prison for his troubles. Jason Todd travels to Qurac to break Roy Harper out of prison.

Hilarity and a body count ensue. Ok, not really. Just the body count.

Oh, My God! They Killed Mitch! You Bastards: Review Of Resurrection Man #1

Mitch Shelley is a man with a problem. He can’t die. And when he does die, he comes back to life with some sort of freaky power that is related to the way that he died. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Self? How is that a problem? I’m all about things that don’t suck. Freaky powers and immortality don’t suck!” And you might be right, unless you’re Mitch Shelley.