Twilight : Comics :: Herpes : Picasso: San Diego Comic-Con 2012 Wednesday and Thursday Programming Schedule Release

We are a mere two weeks away from the official opening day for the 2012 San Diego Comic-Con (with the unofficial start occurring at the Nicky Rotten’s bar next to the Arrogant Bastard Ale tap about two hours before Preview Night opens on Wednesday night), and that means that the Comic-Con programming schedule is starting to drop, with Wednesday’s and Thursday’s schedule revealed today.

Now, be aware that this schedule is not official and utterly finalized, since it doesn’t include the annual “Rob yorks raw whiskey and bile into the toilet near the gaming room and screeches ‘Bring me the head of Roberto Liefeldo!'” panel. If by “panel,” you mean “trauma center event.”

Anyhoo, here’s what we have in store (and some of which we will be reporting on in damn near real time) for Wednesday’s Preview Night, and Thursday, July 11!

Strange Days

This is a strange looking week for new comics. We’ve got a Watchmen book that wasn’t written by Alan Moore going toe-to-toe with a book about Mina Parker that wasn’t written by Bram Stoker but that was written by Alan Moore, both competing for space with a graphic novel by a cooking writer. Throw that in with a comic about two Spider-Men and one about Robin if he was a homicidal 12-year-old girl, and we have one of the more surreal New Comics Days in recent memory.

But New Comics Day it is, which means that this…

…means the end of our broadcast day.

But it is one hell of a week for new comics. We’ve got this week’s Before Watchmen book, Nite Owl written by JMS, the latest installment of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill, the second issue of Brian Michael Bendis’s and Sara Pichelli’s Spider-Men, and new Brubaker / Phillips Fatale, a ton of DC titles, and a bunch of other cool stuff!

But by this point, you know the drill: before we can review them, we need time to read them. So until that time: see you tomorrow, suckers!

…And The Omega: Spider-Man Gets A Sidekick

When Brian Michael Bendis had Spider-Man join The New Avengers a few years ago, I remember hearing grumblings amongst the regulars at my local comic store, where the know me by name and ask to remember that “that’s not a web shooter, and please don’t wave it at the paying customers while shouting ‘thwip!'” that having Spider-Man join a team would take away the whole outcast loner vibe that was part of what made the character unique.

That was 2005. It is now 2012, and after having had Spider-Man join not only The New Avengers, but also the Avengers proper and The Fantastic Four, Marvel has made it clear that they haven’t forgotten Spidey’s long and storied history as a loner, and that they intend to celebrate that history by giving him a teenaged sidekick!

Wait, what?

Killing In The Name: Avengers Academy #32 Review

Editor’s Note: This Sentinel’s Prime Directive: Ruin or spoil all stories about mutants.

Being a cynical and ironic child of the late 1980s / early 90s, there isn’t a reason on Earth why I should like Avengers Academy #32. It is naked and blatant in its attempts to manipulate the reader’s emotions by placing children and their pets in mortal danger from a cold and callous external threat. It blatantly pulls the old E.T. trick of making kids the emotionally satisfying voice of emotional trueness in the face of cold and calculating adult logic and compromise, and it even alludes to the old Old Yeller tearjerker moment when it isn’t obviously humping the corpse of Short Circuit. Truly, a book like this should have me sneering disdainfully while listening to Nirvana on my way to a Richard Linkater film and slacking. Or something like that.

With all that said, it’s now 2012, and the other day I almost got weepy when the Boston Red Sox traded Kevin Youkilis. So I don’t know if I’m losing my edge or what, but rather than being turned off by the obvious emotional manipulation going on in this comic book, I found it to be one of the best of the week. So either writer Christos Gage is damn good at what he’s doing, or I am turning into a colossal pussy. Regardless: I liked this book.

Iron Fisting: The New Avengers #27 Review

Editor’s Note: With great spoilers, comes great douchebaggery. I learned that lesson from my Uncle James. Yup. Good old Uncle James Beam. Died sticking up some old fart at gunpoint.

The final four pages of New Avengers #27 are amongst the most affecting and most emotional of the entirety of the Avengers Vs. X-Men event to date. It humanizes Hope in a way that has been missing in the event in favor of showing her alternate between a willful little whining brat and a cocky willful little whining brat, and it gives Spider-Man not only a logical and effective (if small) role in a cosmic apocalypse that should be completely out of his league, but it distills, in just a few short panels, the essence of the character and what he’s about better than six hours of Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies did. And it is Goddamned gorgeous to look at, besides.

Unfortunately, this is a 20-page story. Which further unfortunately means that what we got here is sixteen pages of decompressed life support for those spectacular closing four pages, that spins out a story conceit based purely on what was probably a simple lack of costume and coloring design communication between John Byrne and Gil Kane back in the mid-70s. On the fortunate end of the equation, those are sixteen pages of decompressed life support written by Brian Michael Bendis, meaning that they are filled with entertaining dialogue and some decent character beats… even while the best part of the book could have been presented as an interlude in the main event’s title.

Miracle, Man: Avengers Vs. X-Men #6 Review

Editor’s Note: Behold, I teach you the Spoiler! He is this lightning, he is this madness. 

Okay, so Avengers Vs. X-Men #6. Yeah.

Somebody’s read Miracleman.

This book is the spitting image of the end of Alan Moore’s Miracleman run; we’ve got superheroes with the power of Gods, who create a floating fortress above the cities of humanity. They use their powers to end hunger and drought, and make a dramatic statement to the United Nations flatly stating that all human conflict will end by their hand. This is a dead-on reproduction of the events of Miracleman #16, except instead of Warpsmiths we’ve got Phoenixes (Phoeni? Phoenixexces? Whatever.), and since we have Cyclops instead of Miraclemen, we have less detached alienation and 90 percent more colossal douchitude.

Laughable: The Comedian #1 Review

What I am about to write is not going to be objective, because The Comedian from Watchmen is just about my favorite comic character.

How much my favorite? Well, I not only have the movie action figure, but I also have the Comedian badge pin – you know, one of the ones that DC sold for a buck a whack in 1987 or so and which made Alan Moore lose his shit and then tell then-publisher Jeanette Kahn that he thought “DC” stood for “dook corporation.”

But that’s not all…

…I also rock the man’s badge on the front bumper of my car. And I can already hear you: “But Rob,” you’re saying, “The bloodstain is on the wrong side!” To which I can only say: not if you see me in your rearview mirror when I’m rumbling up behind you, motherfucker.

My point is that The Comedian and me? We’re close. We’ve been close since I was sixteen years old. I know The Comedian, Mr. Azzarello. And this?

This is not The Comedian.

It Came True. You’re Lookin’ At It

Hey, didja hear about the dude in Texas who skated on an indictment for murder after he beat a guy to death when he caught the dude raping his treasured and favorite child?

What does that have to do with comics, you might ask? Well, funny story: The Comedian is my favorite character in Alan Moore’s and Dave Gibbons’s Watchmen… and Brian Azzarello’s and J. G. Jones’s Before Watchmen release of Comedian was released today. And considering Crisis On Infinite Midlives contributor Trebuchet tweeted the following to me this afternoon:

I’m guessing (Rob) hasn’t read today’s Before Watchmen release… I would have heard the screams from here…

…it means that… this…

…means the end of our broadcast day.

Ah well; regardless of yet another potentially sketchy rework of a classic Watchmen character, it’s still looking like an interesting week. We’ve got a new The Walking Dead, a personal favorite in Peter David’s X-Factor, an Avengers Vs. X-Men Round… Still…, and a bunch of other cool stuff!

But before we can be aggrieved by retroactive changes to The Comedian, first we need to read them. So until that time…

…see you tomorrow, suckers!

Castle Ex Machina: Untold Tales of The Punisher Max #1 Review

Let’s get the obvious out of the way right now: Untold Tales of The Punisher Max #1 isn’t about The Punisher. Sure, The Punisher’s in it, but only in nine out of 34 pages, which is a ratio that makes calling this a Punisher comic like calling Fight Club a tale of handling insurance claims, or Deep Throat a medical thriller.

No, this is not a comic book about The Punisher. What it is is a reasonably crackling and profane – if not particularly original – little near-noir crime tale about a degenerate gambler in over his head and trying to solve the problem by loading his pockets with lead ingots. It is about organized crime as seen by way of the wrong side of its customer service department, with an engaging protagonist and a compelling plot… provided you don’t stop and think about it too hard.

This is the story of gambling addict Jimmy Frisco (someday I’ll read a crime story about a degenerate scumbag named Quincy Madison Worthington IV… or at least one who hasn’t run for President of The United States) who is twelve grand into a bookie named Shelly, who has an idea for an interesting and novel way for Jimmy to work off his debt. And despite Shelly’s goon’s early question to Jimmy vis a vis which hand he uses to jerk off, it does not involve Old Fashioneds through a glory hole. No, Shelly wants Jimmy – a regular guy who works in an auto body shop – to kill a jockey for him. Otherwise, Shelly’s taking the twelve large out of Jimmy’s ass… which loops us straight back to the glory hole imagery. But I digress.

It Is The Massive, And I Am Also Happy To See You: The Massive #1 Review

In The Massive, writer Brian Wood is back in the wheelhouse he established in Channel Zero and DMZ: a story about pragmatic survivors in a world at least two degrees more dystopian than our own. It is an interesting book with action, at least a couple of well-thought characters, in a world that has obviously been carefully planned and built by Wood, with high stakes for everyone involved, and loads in a background enigmatic mystery to boot. It’s tinkering with big ideas – such as, what happens if Al Gore is correct, and we’re about to be joylessly fistfucked by global warming – and doing it using a pragmatic, non-sci-fi viewpoint. It appears ambitious.

So why am I sitting here wondering: where the fuck is that second zodiac speedboat from the Goddamned chase scene? But we’ll get to that in a minute.

I say again for the record: this book is Wood back in his element. The man made his bones looking at How Things Are, extrapolating How Things Might Be In Two Years If It All Goes To Shit, and stacking that world with people fighting that system. Channel Zero is a classic of that style – a story from the late 90s based on the simple idea of, “What if, after cleaning up Times Square by throwing all the winos and junkies in Riker’s Island, Mayor Giuliani could do anything he wanted?” And in that world he put Jennie 2.5, a media hacker raging against the machine with guerrilla journalism that foretold blogging and social media revolution by about ten years… although, to be fair, Christian Slater and Pump Up The Volume not only got there first, but had gratuitous Samantha Mathis jugs and Leonard Cohen tunes. But I digress.