Making Star Wars For Dummies

Everyone knows that J. J. Abrams is working on Star Wars: Episode VII, and most people consider this to be good news. This is partially because J. J. Abrams is not George Lucas, or at least we can’t conclusively prove that they are the same person, despite some significant evidence based on the Star Wars-ification of Star Trek and Star Trek Into Darkness.

However, there is a certain amount of trepidation over the idea of a new Star Wars by Abrams, by which I mean I have some trepidation. As much fun as I had with Abrams’s Star Trek movies, they are not exactly what you’d call Star Wars material. Sure, they’ve got the action, but the bridge of the Enterprise looks like an Apple Store, for Christ’s sake. And the closest thing we have to a selfless Jedi Knight is Mr. Scott’s little mutant / alien buddy, and the “we’re boning” subtext of that relationship means that I will require sedation and talking therapy if someone refers to it and “The Force” in the same sentence.

However, a dude named Prescott Harvey, in conjunction with agency Sincerely, Truman, has put together an open letter to Abrams in an animated video, that hits four points that any Star Wars fan will agree wholeheartedly with. But allow me to add my own fifth: let’s keep the human / alien homoerotic subtext out of the Han / Chewie relationship, shall we?

Anyway, you can check the video after the jump.

Everything Old Is Still Old: Joker’s Daughter / Batman: The Dark Knight 23.4 Review

Of just about any of DC’s VIllains’ Month titles, there has been an inordinate of interest in Joker’s Daughter – the thing came out the day before yesterday and copies with the 3D cover are going for $100 on eBay, for Christ’s sake. Even I couldn’t get a copy with the 3D cover at my local comic store, where they know me by name and ask me that if I insist upon screeching that I want to see crazy girls in 3D that I do it outside where the police can hear me.

So the obvious question is whether the comic book is actually worth the interest. Sure, a lot of the demand seems to be based on the fact that DC egregiously underestimated the number of people who wanted this book with the 3D cover, Which is fine, and a prime example of the free market and supply and demand in action, but in no way addresses whether the book is actually worth reading or not: after all, 20 years ago, Todd McFarlane’s Spider-Man #1 with the polybagged chromium cover was going for hundreds of dollars for the same reason, but a lack of supply still couldn’t make that book anything but a pile of shit by a writer who gave us a legitimate hint by repeatedly showing readers the word “doom” in big letters.

Well, having a regular old 2D copy means that I can actually open and read the book, and see what’s going on on the inside. And what’s going on in there is… weird. It is supervillain origin story as goth cautionary take by way of indictment of female body image via on-the-nose Greek tragedy. And it is a difficult book to review, because I am not 100 percent sure just how I feel about it; the book is certainly more ambitious a venture than I would have expected for a character spun off from a dude whose origin is being kicked into a vat of acid, even though I think it is a long yard away from sticking the landing. And it certainly goes in an direction and tries for a complexity that I would not have expected for a character joined at the name with a dude whose M.O. is to make people laugh themselves to death.

Oh: and Joker’s Daughter beats Jesus up. So there’s that.

The Hall H Experience (Minus The Agony): Avengers: Age Of Ultron SDCC Hype Video Released

While we did attend this year’s San Diego Comic-Con, we were not able to attend the big Marvel Studios Hall H panel that hyped Thor: The Dark World, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and, most prominently, Avengers: Age of Ultron. We weren’t able to get in for a variety of reasons, the most important being that we didn’t even try. Seriously: have you seen the line to get into the Big Room for the past several years? It looks like the aftermath of one of the battles from Kingdom Come, only with a significantly higher body fat percentage. It’s easier to break into the comic industry proper than it is to get into Hall H, for Christ’s sake.

So despite being among the lucky few to even be at the convention, we were not amongst the few thousand hardy (and sweaty. And exhausted.) few who saw Joss Whedon introduce the first teaser reel for Avengers: Age of Ultron. And for two months, I have consoled myself by trying to remember that, while those people were watching that video, I had access to unclogged toilets and food that had a surprisingly small amount of cheez dust.

Well, to hell with that small consolation. Because that video has finally made its way to the Internet. Which means that you can watch it from the comfort of the device of your choice… but if you want a truly authentic experience, I recommend going without showering before sitting in your least comfortable chair for several hours, and then watching the video on your cell phone… which you have placed on the other side of the room, preferably behind a volunteer wearing either a Batman cowl or a Heisenberg hat.

Regardless of your viewing preferences, you can check the video out after the jump.

Personal Experimentation: Sex Criminals #1 Review

Sex Criminals, the new limited series by writer Matt Fraction and artist Chip Zdarsky, is a book that asks a question about a circumstance that has never even occurred to me: what would happen if something happened to you after sex other than apologies, excuses and shame? You know: that terrible, terrible shame?

Okay, let me try this again. Sex Criminals is a comic book about two people with special superpowers that only manifest when they give each other orgasms. Hey, maybe I’m a superhero! I’m sure I’ll find out just as soon as I manage to give someone an orgasm! That must be why the ladies call me The Flash! I’m kidding, I’m kidding; they don’t think I’m a superhero. They think I’m a cop. That’s probably why they scream, “Help, police!” No? Okay.

Look, this is gonna be a weird book to review for me, because it’s a weird fucking book, okay? It’s a story about a little girl who learns that she comes unstuck in time when she comes, who tries to figure out if that’s normal through the minefield of junior high school, while dealing with her father’s murder and her mother’s alcoholism, combined with dirty jokes, dicks that glow in the dark, a list of sexual positions that look like a gymnastic routine if the Olympics Commissioner was Larry Flynt, and an armed bank robbery.

This book is all over the map. There is no “elevator pitch” for this comic, or at least not one that you could say on an elevator without being taken into custody within ten seconds of the doors opening. It’s a book with a lot of boning and jacking off, but one that isn’t about boning and jacking off. Instead, it’s about someone who grew up thinking everything they felt about sex was weird, dirty and odd, and who as an adult thinks that no one will ever really be compatible with her.

Which means that, for a comic book that includes glowing dicks and a sexual position known as “The Dutch Microwave,” it’s surprisingly relatable. Because my dick glows in the dark. Hey-yo!

Yeah, okay, I’ll stop. For now.

Turns Out Aguilera Is Scorpio: New Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Spot With Non-Pilot Footage

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. debuts tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern time, and its long-term fate is very much in the balance, what with the crippling competition it faces from Seth Green’s Dads and reruns of Amish Mafia on The Discovery Channel.

Actually, the show is not necessarily a slam dunk: it is opposite NCIS on CBS, and I can tell you this: even though my parents brought me up on comic books, there is not a force on Earth that will convince them to watch something that is opposite that nice Mark Harmon smacking that other nice man in the head three times per episode. Further, it is debuting opposite The Voice on NBC, and must therefore battle against whatever dark and unholy forces that Christina Aguilera has allied herself with to remain famous for this long.

We, however, will be watching it (and if we decide to hit the liquor store before 8, possibly live-Tweeting it) because, between S.H.I.E.L.D. and WB’s Arrow, this could mark the first time there are two superhero shows we can watch per week since the days of late-season Heroes and The Cape, which was a double-whammy experience that made us die inside a little. Kinda like dining on cotton candy and old, spoiled meat.

So we want to build up a little excitement for this series, and therefore we’re gonna give you a new, 90-second commercial for the show, which is also the first  to contain footage from episodes that aren’t the pilot.

So, as Stan The Man used to (kinda) say: Don’t Yield (To Aguilera And The Forces of Eternal Evil), Back S.H.I.E.L.D! And check out the spot after the jump.

Circumstantial: Daredevil #31 Review

Editor’s Note: We find the defendant guilty on the charge of Premeditated Spoilers.

It would have been really easy for Mark Waid to have fucked up Daredevil #31.

This was the first comic book I remember seeing that in any way tackles the Trayvon Martin / George Zimmerman murder trial, and that is a subject that is just playing with dynamite. And it is playing with dynamite just because it is so Goddamned easy to pick one side or another, based on a few snippets of facts gleaned from various news accounts one might have half-paid attention to while working or drinking beer or surfing for porn. You write a book that takes the side of the shooter, and you’ve alienated everyone who knows that ACLU isn’t a lolspeak acronym. You take the side of the shootee, and you can experience your first mainstream media crossover attention by being mentioned on Sean Hannity’s show, possibly accompanied by your home address.

And yet if any comic book is the perfect one to reference the case, it’s Daredevil, what with its protagonist being an actual officer of the court. But still: it took a lof of balls for Waid to even consider making that case part of a mainstream comic book story… and he generally nails it. Because he’s smart enough to reference the case without the story being about the case. Instead, it’s about the people who made a snap decision about one side or another, based on a few snippets of facts gleaned from various news accounts one might have half-paid attention to while working or drinking beer or surfing for porn.

And that’s most of us, Bubba.

Bale Begins: Christian Bale’s Batman Screen Test

Busy day here at the Crisis On Infinite Midlives Home Office – my taking part in the Day of Dredd a few days back reminded me how woefully undereducated I am about that character, so I spent a big chunk of the day jumping from my local comic store, where they know me by name and ask me to to refrain from offering to show them my rigid helmeted justice, to local book stores, to chain book stores, and finally to the Internet to obtain or order the first five volumes of Judge Dredd: The Complete Case Files.

Further, Amanda and I are tired of our only contribution to the weekly Breaking Bad water cooler conversations being, “Blue meth? Bullshit! I’ve never seen blue meth… why are you looking at me like that?” and thanks to Netflix are very close to being up-to-date with that show, with only a few more TiVo’ed episodes to go from this current season before we are (hopefully) current for next week’s finale.

But still, we don’t want to leave you empty handed, so here’s a little video from the upcoming Dark Knight Trilogy DVD / Blu-Ray. Specifically, it’s Christian Bale’s audition video for Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins.

Supposedly Bale was wearing one of Val Kilmer’s Batman suits from Batman Forever, which might shed some light on why Bale was using that raspy voice: it’s possible that he was busily being infected by whatever form of mutant super herpes that have made Kilmer act like such a loon for the past… well, at least since The Island of Dr. Moreau.

Anyway, while we watch Walter White try to outwit Hank from about six weeks ago, you can catch Bale’s first work as Batman after the jump. And we promise, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Look, Up On That Float: Video Of The First Appearance of Superman In 1940

We have no comic news for you today, just a video of something truly remarkable: people openly smoking cigarettes around children without a single look of scorn from some health nut passer-by.

Just kidding (although that totally happens and it makes me sad that I live in the 21st Century); this is actually a home movie from the very first public appearance of Superman. Not the real Superman, because that video would be shown on media other than independent comic book Web sites on a hung over Saturday afternoon.

Instead, this is the first appearance of an actor pretending to be Superman, at the 1940 World’s Fair, a little more than two years after the character debuted in Action Comics #1. And watching it, a few things struck me, the first being how surprising it was that so many kids managed to get their hands on Superman t-shirts despite the lack of a Graphitti Designs or (in 1940) a remotely functioning economy. The second thing was: whatever happened to the Superman dress for Young Misses? Had such a thing existed when I was a Young Mister, I could have saved a lot of time knowing which girls I could have spoken to in order to avoid as many scrotal injuries.

But the biggest thing that struck me was that clearly, 1940 was a simpler time for kids. Because there they were, seeing literally the first physical embodiment of Superman – hell, any comic book hero… and not a single one of them was complaining that the trunks rode too high, or that his spitcurl was wrong, or that you could totally see the safety wire holding him up. If this occured in 2013, there would be drunken malcontents shrieking about these things on the Internet. Drunken malcontents like me, because all of those things were totall wrong.

But still: it’s actually kinda cool to see the first real crossover of comic superheroes into some kind of multimedia. And it’s doubly impressive, because in 1940, the world was only about ten years out from “multimedia” being just “medium.” And you can check it out for yourself after the jump.

An Abomination, Long Thought Buried: Nine Pages of Warren Ellis’s Avengers: Endless Wartime

It has been a good long while since we have seen any new mainstream comics work from Warren Ellis, what with his book deals and his columns in the mainstream press (well, “mainstream” compared to the comics press, which is widely populated by drunken amateurs who have just enough brain power to buy a domain name and install a content management system that allows them to publicly rant about comic books. Hi, Warren!) and his fat movie deals.

That drought will, however, be coming to a close with the upcoming release of the original graphic novel Avengers: Endless Wartime, with art by Mike McKone, in a couple of weeks (Amazon has a listed release date of October 1st). And if you’ve missed the news, here’s the official blurb as to what it’s about:

An abomination, long thought buried, has resurfaced in a war-torn land…

Hi, Warren!

…But now it wears an American flag. Faced with another nightmare reborn, Captain America will not stand for yet more death at the hands of a ghost from his past. Haunted by his greatest shame, Thor must renew the hunt for a familiar beast. At their side, an assemblage of allies united to end the threats no one of them could face alone. They are soldiers. Warriors. Comrades-in-arms. Mighty heroes led by a living legend, stronger together than apart. They are the Avengers. Also includes exclusive AR video content, a free digital download of the book, and an introduction written by Agent Coulson himself Clark Gregg!

It is safe to say that we will be picking up and reviewing the graphic novel when it drops, but if you’re on the fence, well, Google Books has released he first few pages of the book to review at your leisure. And if you don’t feel like logging into Google to see how it’s gonna look (hi, NSA!), well, you can see those pages after the jump.

Chaotic Good: Kiss Me, Satan #1 Review

I would like to start off my review of Kiss Me, Satan by asking a question: why is every urban fantasy hero named like an urban fantasy hero?

Seriously: other than schlub-sounding Harry Dresden (and even his last name brings images of a massive firestorm to mind) and Anita Blake (who sounds like the female lead of a 70s Norman Lear sitcom), every urban fantasy hero sounds like Mom and Dad named them in a fashion that would make them unemployable in profession that didn’t end with a hyphenated “hunter.” There’s Anton Strout’s Simon Canderous, Mark Del Franco’s Connor Grey, and even Matt Wagner’s Kevin Matchstick all sound like the kind of English language music one normally only hears in the roll of 20-sided dice. Seriously: if someone handed you a job application with the name Calliope Reaper-Jones on it, you’d thank her for her interest and call the local bunco squad as soon as she cleared the front door.

Which brings us back to Kiss Me, Satan, and its protagonist: Barnabus Black. Seriously. I mean, that’s the kind of name that you come up with after you settle on an alignment of Chaotic Neutral. Just once I’d like to see a fearless vampire hunter with a stupid sounding name, you know what I mean?

What’s that? Buffy who? Oh. Okay, nevermind.