But How Do You Really Feel?

It’s not all bad news at the New York Comic Con. Some of it is absolutely wretched news. And sometimes there is the odd apocalyptically terrible, awful, no-good news.

And then there is the occasional brain-dead, redneck, dumbfuck, “Hey guys! Lookit THIS!” news that would normally involve mescaline, a healthy infant and a 110-volt blender in a 220-volt socket news:

Announced [yesterday] at New York Comic Con, Image Comics announced [sic] that Rob Liefeld is returning Extreme Studios to active status!

Son of a…

Okay… so this is a… thing that’s happening… tell us about it, Robbie-Boy!

There Was No One Left To Speak Up

We here at Crisis On Infinite Midlives have decided that, no matter the cost, hardship or obstacle, we will attend and report on next year’s New York Comic Con. Because we feel that we have a responsibility. A responsibility to you, to us, and to every comic book reader who lived through the last 35 years of comics publishing. To prevent anything like THIS from every happening again:

Marvel then showed off the teaser already seen of the burning hoodie of the Scarlet Spider. “What’s this?” [Manager of Sales & Communications Arune] Singh said for [Spider-Man Editor] Wacker to respond “The worst costume ever!”

…and when they came for the people who fucking hated the Clone Saga, there was no one left to speak up.

Sorry, that was unnecessarily pessimistic. Hell, they made FUN of the Scarlet Spider, right? Maybe things’ll be okay, right? RIGHT?

That exchange prompted the announcement of a new “Scarlet Spider” ongoing by writer Chris Yost and [penciler Ryan] Stegman.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO N-

*deep breath*

Okay, let’s all calm down. Maybe this isn’t all bad. Maybe they’re bringing the Scarlet Spider back to make fun of him. It could happen! Maybe they’re making Ben Reilly the Forbush Man of the Spider-Man books! It’s a light-hearted gag! They can’t possibly be taking this seriously, right? RIGHT?

The Lamentations Of Their Artist

The first big announcement from the New York Comic Con came from Dark Horse Comics yesterday, when they announced the new creative team for the upcoming Conan The Barbarian: Queen Of The Black Coast miniseries: Stan Lee’s lawyers!

Just kidding! It’s actually gonna be Brian Wood and Becky Cloonan, the creative team behind the Generation X-focused emo superhero book Demo!

Just kidding! It’s actually going to be – oh wait, that one was real?

Hey, Kids! Comics! And Diabetes!

When I was a kid, my Mom would sometimes buy me a comic book out of the grocery store spinner rack to shut me up about not buying me the sugary cereals I was always screaming about (Although to be fair, one time she did buy me a box of Lucky Charms to get a hold of the Six Million Dollar Man sticker prize I spent days obsessing over after I saw the TV commercials. Then she picked out all the marshmallows while I cried. I was 32. But I digress).

But that was 1978. It’s 2011 now, and the spinner rack disappeared sometime around, well, 1978. So if you want your kid to shut the fuck up about buying them Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs with a comic book, well, you’ll have to buy them Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.

The New York Times is reporting that DC Comics and General Mills are gonna be announcing, sometime during this weekend’s New York Comic Con, a deal to distribute four specially-printed issues of Justice League to be dumped into nutritious fare such as Trix, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and my old nemesis: Lucky Charms.

Every Picture Tells A Story (Badly): Ultimate Spider-Man #3 Review

Let’s start with the most obvious problem with Ultimate Spider-Man #3: the Kaare Andrews cover.

This cover looks like Spider-Man is trying, more successfully than most 13-year-old boys, to suck his own dick. While shooting streams of sticky goop from his general crotchal area. With his apparently gapingly spread ass shown more prominently and unobscured than his fucking head.

There are action covers, and then there are action covers, Kaare… I think Marvel picked the wrong issue of this book to hide in a polybag. Actually, I might have preferred receiving it in a lead-lined sack.

Let’s move on to the second most obvious problem with this book: More Goddamned useless widescreen visual storytelling. I’ve talked about this before, and go figure, it’s another issue of Bendis-written Ultimate Spider-Man that makes me bring it up again.

Pages two and three are delivered in a standard, read-page-one then read-page-two format. Pages three and four, however, are amongst the most egregious examples of fucking with format for no return at all I can scarely describe it.

Here: I will ruin the spine of this book on my scanner to show you what I mean:

WE’RE BUSY, GODDAMMIT

It is Wednesday, and as usual, here is one reason…

…for the end of our Wednesday Broadcast day. We’ve got a stack of new books to read, including a bunch of DC New 52 #2’s (Including a drunkenly purchased Hawk & Dove #2, because it’s easier than self-flagellation with a thorned vine), plus Buffy Season 9 #2, Ultimate Spider-Man #3, and James Robinson’s “You want full frontal Starman, but for three clams I’ll only show you the tip” Shade #1.

The other reason, not that it’s any of your Goddamned business, but today is Amanda’s and my ten-year anniversary. So I’d love to stay and chat, but if you’re reading this with your dick out? Yeah, that makes two of us. Gotta bounce. Literally.

See you tomorrow, suckers!

The Mighty Scoobies… I Mean Avengers Trailer

Okay, so by process of elimination, Black Widow has to be Buffy. So the immortal creature for whom she futilely pines, again, by process of elimination, has to be Thor (If Buffy boned Angel he’d lose his soul. If Black Widow nails Thor she’ll lose her spine… unless there’s a “Condom of Thor” part of Viking myth I’m not familiar with… and if there is, I don’t want to know how it knows “if he be worthy“).

The powerful blond guy who threatens to make it a love triangle has to be Captain America. The non-powered, wisecracking Scooby has to be Iron Man, which means that Willow, the former nerd who discovers great, almost uncontrollable power by embracing the dark side… well hell, by process of elimination, that means that Willow has to be The Hulk. Tough break, Bruce… although it explains the name “Bruce”.

So that means that Hawkeye’s Dawn. Wow… once I said that, it was the first time I irrationally and viscerally hated Hawkeye’s face. Anyway…

As promised in yesterday’s podcast, the trailer for Marvel’s Joss Whedon-directed The Avengers appears after the jump.

Crisis On Infinite Midlives Podcast Episode 4: The Justice of F***ing

We here at Crisis On Infinite Midlives finally kicked the cold and got healthy! And then we celebrated with cheap liquor and got sick a different way, so once again, here we are, a day late and a dollar… where’s our f***ing dollar!?

In this week’s episode, we drool over the new trailer for the Avengers movie, we thank DC Comics for announcing that they’ll be selling comics on the Amazon Kindle Fire (When we bought a f***ing Barnes & Noble Nook Color six months ago) by speculating which New 52 book will be canceled first (and which should be canceled first), and talk about our sleeper books of the week!

In addition:

• Amanda would like to announce that she was incorrect when she said that Alex Maleev was the creator of Echo! She meant to say it was Jesus!
• Here’s Rob’s review of The Strange Talent of Luther Strode!
• While tomorrow we will be posting a full-on video of the Avengers trailer in family-friendly and buggy Flash video, here’s the Quicktime edition so that Steve Jobs can cockblock you with upgrade warnings from the grave!
• And simply look up and to the left to see happens when you Google “Captain America Liefeld Boobs”! (via Grotesque Anatomy)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 45:57 — 42.1MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Play | Stitcher | TuneIn | RSS | More

Enjoy the show, suckers! And if you don’t, we’ll show you what happens when you Google “Liefeld Mantits No Seriously Just Liefeld’s Mantits”!

Cognitive Dissonance: An Open Letter to Alan Moore

Alan Moore is doing a reading of one of his non-comic things on Saturday, so he did an interview with a UK… tabloid? I think it’s a tabloid. Then again, I thought English tabloids were supposed to have titty shots, which I couldn’t find. But it’s not like I looked hard; after all, all I had access to was their Web site, and I’m not gonna spend time figuring out where “Page 3” is when I can smack my head against the keyboard, press the Enter key and get thousands of pages of hardcore pornography. But I digress.

The point is that Alan Moore did a short interview with this thing, and used the opportunity to talk about how awesome Alan Moore is:

At the moment I feel an awful lot of my comic career is behind me, particularly all of the superhero stuff – the stuff that’s owned by American corporations. I want to distance myself from that, so the stuff I’m proudest of is what I own: From Hell, Lost Girls, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I don’t read my earlier work because there are too many unpleasant associations with it. I don’t have a copy of Watchmen in the house. I’m glad the work is out there in the world, having an effect, but it’s like I’ve gone through a messy divorce.

Oh, Alan… let’s start with the obvious stuff.

Bastard Son Of A Thousand Comics: The Strange Talent of Luther Strode #1 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers. If you decide not to read it, just go buy the book right fucking now, and we’ll leave it at that.

The Strange Talent of Luther Strode is the story of a high school nerd who buys a “Tired of having sand kicked in your face?” fitness book out of the back of a comic book, develops superpowers after reading it, and uses those powers to get a girl and defeat his jock nemesis in dodgeball and in a high school men’s room fistfight. Truly, writer Justin Jordan is one of us… or would be if he didn’t seem to know that people like us didn’t go into the men’s rooms in high school, because we generally didn’t need cigarettes or black eyes.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s more going on than Geek Rage in this book. We open the book seeing Strode in a flash-forward where he’s masked, ripped and has the ability to stop loads with his chest and beat men down by jerking off some of their parts… which sounds like it would be yet another reason that I personally never went into the high school men’s room if it didn’t look like this:

Jordan teases that there’s some kind of reasoning behind Strode’s newfound powers, and that those powers might make him the target of a mysterious bearded dandy called The Librarian that will lead us to a greater story to take us through this six-issue miniseries, but issue one is all about a high school loser who gets superpowers… which is absolutely smart and compelling storytelling.

Because after all, it’s pretty safe to say that if you’re reading a comic book, you were either a nerd who had a hard time in high school, or you were a jock who suffered a grievous concussion. And if you were the latter, you’re not reading a book as smart as Luther Strode.

And smart it is, because there is a LOT of groundwork laid here, and if you’re not careful, you could miss it.