Back In The Saddle Again

Remember how cool it was last week when we found out after we bought comics that our local bar was closed so we had to stay sober, and we could post an immediate review? Yeah, that was last week. This week, we found out that they were closed so they could implement a new Happy Hour. And not just a Happy Hour, but one avec karaoke (‘Avec” is French for: “Too fucking classy to be arrested for doing”)!

Long story short: beer is good, and this week is readily available, which means that this…

…is the end of our broadcast day.

But things could be worse. Sure, we’re hammered, but that pile contains a new Justice League, a walking dead, new Flash, Justice League Dark, and a bunch of other cool stuff to praise / crap on!

But before we review them, first we gotta read them. So see you tomorrow, suckers!

Knife To The Eye! Wait, Which Book Now?

If you’ve been following Marvel’s Battle Scars miniseries that launched from the still-twitching carcass of the Fear Itself event, you know that the prevailing mystery of the story is: who is protagonist Marcus Johnson, and who is his father? Now, a story about a young African-American man who doesn’t know who his father is might sound like one of those “conservative comics” that blew up the comics Internet a couple weeks ago (At least he’s not looking for food stamps, amirite, Newt?), but it’s actually been an intersting little tale.

Like I said in my review last week, the evidence presented is that Johnson comes from a family history of American heroes, that dad has a mortal enemy looking to get at him through Marcus, and his father reportedly might not be able to die. And the smart money has been on Nick Fury being being Johnson’s father. The prevailing theory is that Marvel, what with at the Avengers movie coming out in just a few months with Samuel L. Jackson in the Fury role, was looking to put a more familiar on the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. in the comics. I, however, I predicted Bucky Barnes… mostly because I drink and I am a contrary dick. One more beer before I wrote my review and I might have gone for Dick Clark.

Well, things are starting to look like I’m on the losing side of the argument, because Bleeding Cool recently got their hands on the full-sized cover to the issue 6 of Battle Scars…

The Stoned Sword: Diablo: Sword of Justice #2 Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: I couldn’t spoil the plot to this book if I tried.

With God as my witness, I didn’t know that DC’s Diablo: Sword of Justice was related to the Diablo videogame by Blizzard… and if I had, I probably wouldn’t have bought it. Comic books based on videogames are almost never any good (A few outlier exceptions aside), and a comic book based on Diablo would have an uphill battle worse than a lot of them. Hell, I’ve played Diablo and I had no idea it had a story beyond Kill, Loot, Advance… which is less a compelling story than a kickass New Year’s Resolution.

There’s not much to Diablo’s gameplay to hang a story on. Not being a sword and sorcery guy, the times I have played the game were at a buddy’s house, taking over his saved games while he was on beer runs, and it’s not like I was confused as to why I was killing giant spiders on level five just because I missed the storyline of the first five levels, wherein my pal killed 1,600 giant rats. So on that level, the Diablo comic book fails, because I missed the first issue, and now that I’ve read the second, I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Spider-Who What Now?

If you’re a genre fan around my age, you have fond memories of Jenny Agutter, whether you know you do or not. Granted, she hasn’t been in a lot that’s been on any American’s radar for quite a while, but she played Jessica in Logan’s Run and Alex in An American Werewolf in London, which means for a Generation X male geek, there’s a better than even chance she was the cause for the first time you said, “Mommy? My pee-pee’s broken. It’s pointing at the ceiling.”

Agutter’s making an appearance in the upcoming Avengers flick – after all, Joss Whedon is a male, Gen-X genre fan – which makes her newsworthy, particularly in England, where she’s apparently been working steadily since the 80s. Newsworthy enough to have done an interview for the Radio Times (Think England’s TV Guide) about the experience. An interview where she said that she was sworn to secrecy about anything that happens in the movie… and where she promptly dropped a massive spoiler that, if not a mistake on her part or the part of the reporter who wrote the story, is fairly fucking awesome:

Expendable: Green Lantern Corps #5 Review

We’re now five issues into the New 52 reboot of Green Lantern Corps, and the one thing that has become undeniably apparent is that this book has a distinct identity. Unfortunately, that identity is that it’s the book that swipes from – or to be charitable, is inspired by – other forms of entertainment. Issue 3 was lifted from a video game in hoard mode. Issue 4 looked a lot like an episode of 24. This issue’s a knockoff on Sylvester Stallone’s flick The Expendables. At this rate, issue 6 will be about a Green Lantern whose ring is positioned in the back of her throat and can only be activated by Harry Reems.

Seriously: this issue is about The Expendables of the Green Lanterns Corps: The Mean Machine. As Guy Gardner calls them, “…the toughest sons of bitches in the Corps.” They’re old soldiers, so old that after more than forty years of modern Green Lantern stories, this is the first time we’ve ever heard of them. So old they wear the traditional Green Lantern uniform of jeans, muscle shirts and leather jackets. So old they have code names like, “Lee” and “Flint” and “Bronchuk”. So old they drink heavily, and probably occasionally tip a forty for their dead homies Norrisum, Schwarzeneggerzil, and Van Damme (Van Damme being Oan for “Michael Keaton.”).

Double-O-D’s: Danger Girl: Revolver #1 Review

I’d never read Danger Girl before I picked up the first issue of the latest miniseries, Danger Girl: Revolver, because frankly, I’m not a spy story guy by nature. Keep in mind that when I was growing up, James Bond was Roger Moore; the only less effective casting choice for turning kids into spy fans would have been Jerry Lewis. Granted, my tastes have changed as I’ve grown up, but to this day if I want a good spy comic? That’s why God and Greg Rucka invented Queen & Country.

On the great continuum of spy stories, Danger Girl falls closer to Octopussy than Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. However, as an adult now, I can recognize and appreciate it for what it is: big, kitschy, goofy fun. It’s not necessarily my style of fun, but you’ll dig it if you’re looking for unlikely chases, big tits, guns, planes, stunts, big tits, explosions, big tits, and last but not least: big tits.

Action Figure: Moon Knight #9 Review

Not for nothin’ my man, but why do you want a Captain America shield?

Because it’s cool.

What are you, six years old?

That exchange between Moon Knight and his weapons procurer, Buck, describes Moon Knight #9 in a nutshell. It’s like little pre-adolescent Brian Michael Bendis trumpeted, “Y’know what would be fuckin’ cool? If Batman had Wolverine’s claws! And, and Spider-Man’s web shooters! And fuckin’ Captain America’s shield! Snikt! Thwip! Whooooosh!” Just before lil’ Brian’s mom Adderalled him into dullness. Blessed, quiet dullness.

The hell of it is, he’s right. Is is kinda fucking cool.

Y’know, provided you can forget the reasonably tight little story of a lone superhero on the edge of sanity that came before this issue and put yourself in the mindset of when you were seven, and you stuck your Luke Skywalker action figure in your G.I. Joe Skystriker jet and sent it to attack your little brother’s Castle Grayskull… or if you’re me, like you did when you were on Tuesday.

Low And To The Left: DC Comics New Logo

Usually news about things like “marketing trade dress” make us yawn and throw blind punches – not in any way necessarily in that order – but for good or ill, this counts as comic news: DC Comics has a new logo.

Rumors have been going around about it all week, but now it’s official: just six and a half years after the last new logo debuted, which was put in place to replace the previous one that lasted about 29 years, DC has a new look. Here it is:

Ah, that reminds me of my childhood. Because it looks like a droopy wang pointing at a roll of duct tape. Which is how I spent weekends when I was in junior high.

Catwoman Vs. The Red Fox: Fox Affiliate Calls DC Comics “Playboy For Kids”

So it’s 56 years after Dr. Fredric Wertham dumped Seduction of the Innocent on us, driving EC Comics all but out of business and forcing the Comic Code Authority on us, guaranteeing that I would reach adolescence without having to see an awesome zombie eat some whiny teenager’s face, and now we have this shit:

Most people think of comic books for kids, but many of today’s comics are anything but that. Turn the pages of DC Comics now and you will find plenty of blood, sex and violence.

Ah, from Fox! The network that brought us Married With Children, 24 and Temptation Island! What else do you have for us, Washington DC Fox Washington DC affiliate WTTG General Assignment Reporter reporter Sherri Ly?

“It’s sort of like a fictionalized Playboy for kids at its worst,” said Neil Bernstein, Ph.D., a child psychologist and author of “How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble.”

Critics worry the once family friendly genre has gone too far. Psychologists point out the overexposure to sex and violence for young children can encourage aggression.

“I think too many kids would be put in harm’s way or at risk,” Bernstein said.

Ah, where to begin… since I’m a dick, how’s about that first sentence (And I won’t even spend too much time pointing out the vile structure of that compound sentence, since I am one classy motherfucker)? “Most people,” huh? What’s your source? Some study? A survey? Your mom? No, I’m guessing your editor, and considering he let that first sentence through, I wouldn’t trust his judgment. Seriously, if you tried to submit that sentence to my journalism professors, they’d recommend you switch to a psych major just to save the red ink.

Gone Sideways: Batman #5 Review

Normally on Wednesday nights, we throw up a picture of the books we bought for the week and declare the end of broadcast for the day. This is because our local comic store is next to our local bar, and therefore by the time we get back to a computer we are normally hopelessly drunk. Tonight, however, the bar is closed for cleanup following a “human biological incident” that happened on Sunday, which is odd because I was there for hours on Sunday and can’t remember seeing anyone do anything like that. Or anything else, for that matter.

So I figured we might as well jump right in this week an do a short review of Batman #5.

This book is gonna get a lot of attention this week, for reasons that will become obvious as soon as you read it, but I’ll get to that in a minute. Let’s start with what I considered the biggest negative of this issue: it’s a Drive Batman Apeshit Crazy story. And Drive Batman Apeshit Crazy stories are pretty much a dime a dozen: Jim Starlin’s The Cult. Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum and, more recently, Zur En Arrh. The Jean-Paul Valley Batman / Punisher crossover… actually, that’s less a Drive Batman Apeshit Crazy story than a Batman Story that drove me Apeshit Crazy, but you get what I’m saying.