Face Melting: Raiders of The Lost Ark In IMAX For One Week

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The Indiana Jones trilogy, plus some other movie with Shia LaBeouf that I refuse to admit exists, is coming out on Blu-Ray in a high-definition transfer on September 18th, But rather than simply passively suck in all that sweet, sweet free money from people like me who will buy the new set despite having owned it on both VHS and DVD (y’know, minus that fourth “bonus” disc that none of us will ever, ever watch), director Steven Spielberg will be releasing the remastered Raiders of The Lost Ark in AMC IMAX theaters for one week only, starting September 7th.

On one hand this is good news… except for the fact that no matter how good the new HD IMAX transfer looks, it still means that I’ll be in a dark room seeing seven-foot spiders crawling on Alfred Molina’s back without even the benefit of PCP-sprayed dirtweed to blame. But the problem is that Spielberg and Raiders producer George Lucas have a… shall we say reputation… for taking the opportunity that a digital remaster offers to a filmmaker to make a few tweaks, adjustments and terrible abominations to the original film. Let’s just say that I was Elliot’s age when E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial was originally released, and if I were riding my bike and came across an FBI agent in a suit carrying a walkie-talkie? I’d have saved E.T.’s energy and just mowed the giant pussy down.

However, apparently we Indy fans have no need to fear, because Spielberg swears that all we’ll see in the remastered Raiders is the original goodness:

Spielberg also made it clear that he would not be making any digital tweaks to “Raiders” to fix any problems or mistakes in the original movie. And he’s well aware that expanding the image on the big IMAX screen will only make those goofs — like when Jones is facing down a cobra and you can see the snake’s reflection in the safety glass that separates them — all the more apparent. But, he said, “I think that the fans are going to love that even more, because they’re the ones that picked them out in the first place.”

So apparently the only change we can look forward to is a giant, kick-ass picture, some booming surround sound… and the retroactively changed title to Indiana Jones And The Raiders of The Lost Ark. To which I can only say: fuck you, Steve; that first movie is Raiders, motherfucker.

Sorry to be so adamant. But you give these 70s directors an inch, and the next thing you know, you’re paying thirty clams to see Indiana Jones turn a Cairo corner to face up against a cackling behemoth swinging a giant walkie-talkie. A cackling behemoth who fucking shoots first.

You can order advance tickets to the IMAX screenings of Raiders now – including tickets for some theaters that are playing the entire trilogy (plus some awful period piece flick where Shia LaBeouf cosplays Marlon Brando in The Wild One) on September 15th.

And if it helps sweeten the deal, here’s the trailer for the rerelease.