Deus Ex Machina: Fear Itself 7.3: Iron Man Review

EDITOR’S NOTE: This review contains spoilers. But considering the comic this review is about wipes away just about the last persisting effects of the entire Fear Itself event storyline, it’s not like it fucking matters. However, you have been warned.

You want to talk to God? Let’s go see him together. I’ve got nothing better to do.”

– Indiana Jones

The story in this comic book is horrible. It steals shamelessly from better comic stories by better writers, attempts to simulate depth by rehashing a philosophical point conveyed better in an 80’s teen sex comedy, and blows away any lasting effect of the Fear Itself event with a storytelling device that every writer since the ancient fucking Greeks – even the lowliest and worst hack –  has said, “Yeesh, I’d better not end it that way. The audience would kill me.”

After bringing Bucky back from the dead in Fear Itself #7.1 and strongly implying in issue 7.2 that Thor knows the same trick, the final remaining major consequence of the Fear Itself event was the turning of every inhabitant of Paris to stone by the Grey Gargoyle while he was possessed by the Hammer of Mokk, the Breaker of Faith.

Now that you’re generally up to speed, let’s start with the… well, it’s probably not plagiarism per se, but it’s a swipe so close as to almost make no difference. One through line of the book is Tony Stark, face to face with an incapacitated Grey Gargoyle, carrying on a one-way argument as to whether or not Stark should kill him for his crimes while pointing a loaded weapon at his helpless head. Wow. that’s pretty intense… and God knows it was when Frank Miller wrote almost the same scene between Daredevil and Bullseye in Daredevil #191 back in the 80’s.

Think I’m kidding? Picture an incapacitated villain, unable to move, and a hero giving a soliloquy to him while pointing a loaded weapon at his face, and let’s play a rousing round of Guess Which Story!

Because see, I keep trying to get it out of my head, but I keep — I keep thinking I should kill you so you never do anything again. I keep thinking… why should you get to live? Even another second. Why?

And:

When I hate you and your kind so fiercely I could cry… when I can see that you are black and evil and have no right to live… when at long last, I’ve got you squarely in my sights… when it comes to that one, final, fatal act of ending you…

Can you tell which hero said which in what story?* Does it fucking matter? It’s the same story. Even though I’m willing to accept that the parallels between the two are coincidental, any emotional impact that Fear Itself might carry is mitigated by the fact that the story has already been told – hell, it’s already a classic. Thank God this is the last issue, or next month we might have seen Iron Man riding a sandworm to hunt a white whale.

But let’s put that aside and take a gander at the second through line in this comic: Iron Man confronts Odin for allowing Paris to be destroyed, and Odin eventually responds in kind by allowing Stark a glimpse into his position and importance in the big ol’ universe. Hey! It’s time for Guess The Story: The Lightning Round!

Have you any conception… how truly small you are? I want you to comprehend scale… just glimpse for one instance at the infinite…

Or:

There were more stars out that night than I’ve ever seen since. And I’m thinking that each one of these lights is another world. and it made me feel really small. Lonely…

This one I’ll actually give you: the first quote was Odin in Fear Itself. The second? John Cusack as Gib Gibson in The Sure Thing. Exactly the same revelation as in Fear Itself, except The Sure Thing has that awesome hitchhiking scene, and people will remember The Sure Thing in five years. Tony Stark had this revelation and went fetal. Cusack had it and went to get a handjob from Nicollette Sheridan. Someone get Cusack a suit of armor, stat.

And finally, let’s discuss the close of this issue, where Fraction finally reveals the fate of the people of Paris.

God fixes it.

You heard me.

The turning of the entire population of Paris to stone is a story point that could have been used to drive interesting stories for months. What kind of stories? Let’s see…

• The biggest brains in the Marvel Universe try to find a cure for the people turned to stone.
• Marvel’s cosmic heroes venture through the galaxy looking for the Cosmic Cube to reverse the effects.
• Doctor Strange battles Dormannu for the secrets to undo it.
• Hell, even have Lockjaw mark the people of Paris as his territory, for Christ’s sake.

I came up with those in two minutes, and I’m already three beers in. I’m sure the guys at Marvel could do better. But we’ll never get those stories, because instead, Fraction decided to have Odin step in and Make It Never Was. This ending is so Goddamned shameful I can barely even find the fucking words. Because I was taught at a young age that the only time you should ever consider ending your story with “…and then god fixed it” is if your name is Euripides.

There are only two reasons I can think of that Fraction would end Fear Itself this way. The first is that he decided to take a shortcut so lazy it makes whatever opportunistic hack who cranked out the season opener for Dallas in 1986 look like Christopher fucking Marlowe. That would be bad. And yet part of me hopes that that’s what Fraction was doing. Because the only other thing I can picture being behind this wretched ending is Fraction writing the final word, pushing his chair back and saying, self-satisfied, “I have made myth now.”

And I sincerely hope that’s not the case. Because Fraction writes some good books. I intend to keep reading his stuff. And I would prefer to believe that he was lazy or overworked, and not so arrogant as to believe that this book was some kind of classic tale, rather than nothing but a stack of retreads from better stories that makes the last six months of Marvel books almost completely meaningless.

Fear Itself # 7.3 is depressingly bad. And no matter how much I keep praying, no god has answered by making me never have read it.

* Miller wrote the second, although to be fair, if he wrote it today I’d probably have to edit out the words “Islamicists”, “Schmucks”, and “I’m Goddamned Daredevil”.