Won’t Someone Please Think Of The Children? – Review Of X-Men: Schism #5 And X-Men: Regenesis

I don’t know if you’ve heard but, Marvel doesn’t do reboots. No, they have their events, goddammit! And they’re going to stick to them, no matter how awful and convoluted they get what. Well, this past week, one of those events, X-Men: Schism, finally came to a head in X-Men: Schism #5 by Jason Aaron, with art by Adam Kubert. By the end of this book, Scott Summers, aka Cyclops, and Logan, aka Wolverine, finally have it out and break up the team with such force and drama as to make Noel and Liam Gallagher look positively civilized in comparison.

Also out this past week was X-Men: Regenesis, a one shot by Kieron Gillen, who will be writing the Uncanny X-Men reboot relaunch. X-Men: Regenesis also features art by Billy Tan. This book gives the reader a look at the behind the scenes arguments, wheedling and general drama that took place as the members of Utopia decide which dad to go and live with. Sure, you don’t need to read both to understand that going forward there will be two teams, one led by Scott and the other by Logan. You can get that from just reading one book or the other, or, you know the internet. However, reading them together, I found, really helped me cement whether or not I was Team Scott or Team Logan.

Nah, I’m kidding. I’ve always fucking hated Scott Summers. He always came across as that arrogant guy who you’d get assigned to as a lab partner in Biology class, who had to have it his way all the time or he’d get increasingly strident and obnoxious, even when he was clearly wrong. You’d see him outside of class and he’d have scored the hot girl, who was also somehow nice and sweet too, and you’d wonder how that happened. I mean, he’d have to open his mouth and speak eventually, right? And she’s still with him? Is he paying her? What the hell?

Nothing in either of these books does anything to change that perception. Exhibit 1, this panel from Schism #5:

Ok, I'm sorry. You're not a pompous ass hat. You're an incredibly huge pompous fucking ass hat. That better?

Scott just has to be the big dog. Sure his plan against the Big Bads took one of their more vulnerable children, children – who I might add that he is using as illegal, unpaid military labor – and turned her into a killing machine, but it’s all for the greater good. The kids took out a Sentinel. See? He was right!

Um, no. Not from Wolverine’s perspective or, frankly, my own – and killing is what he’s best at and I don’t even like kids, so I think we’d know if Scott was making any kind of good choices here. Ultimately, this about the kids who, even if they weren’t mutants, deserve not to be drafted into Scott Summers’s Personal Army Of Vengeance or any army, period. Because they’re freaking kids!

The funny part is Scott knows he’s not any good with kids, and he’s going to go ahead and do this anyway. Because he’s always right, goddammit! Meanwhile, Wolverine, the unstoppable killing machine, has decided that he’s going to counter Scott’s plan by opening a school, so kids can have a place to just be kids. How much of a dick do you have to be to drive Wolverine out of the killing business?

This picture wasn't actually in either book, but, what the hell...

Bottom line, regardless of my feelings on Scott Summers, these two books have made me do something I haven’t done in about 10 years – put Uncanny X-men on my pull list, if only so I can see Scott’s life go horribly wrong. You see, Emma Frost has chosen to stay with Scott, but she’s pointed out to him that she has been feeling pretty taken for granted – and, there’s a pretty good chance Jean Grey will be coming back into the picture soon. So, I’m going to take a cue from these kids and get some popcorn, because, even if I hate kids, they have a lot they can teach us:

And Legos. Those are pretty cool, too.